I am angry.
For no apparent reason at all.
Maybe it's my lack of freedom?
I think it's the lack of freedom.
My sisters are always trying to control my life....
I'm beholden to my friends because they need me....
I often feel pressure to be THIS WAY or THAT WAY...
I'm always someone's SISTER, someone's LOVER, someone's FRIEND, someone's CRUTCH, someone's GRANDDAUGHTER, someone's DAUGHTER, someone's CRUSH, someone's STUDENT, someone's ROLE MODEL...
And if I am all of these things....
Then I belong to each and every person who views me that way.
I feel like I give everything I have to these people, friends, sisters, boyfriends, other...
Take care of your Grandmother Keisha. Make sure she's fed, she's clean and her laundry is done.
Take care of the bills Keisha, get a job so you can pay the cable and the phone.
Where are you going today Keisha? Call me when you leave and when you get there and if I call you in between you better answer my calls.
Why don't we talk as often Keisha? Why do I always have to hit you up first?
Keisha I have a problem, can you stay on the phone with me while I whine about things for hours and hours and not even ask you about your day?
Pick up your godbrothers Keisha, because I can't right now.
Loan me some money, even though I won't give it back to you.
Get your grades up Keisha. Get your diploma.
Go to the rent office and make sure everything is in order.
Stop them from kicking you out of your apartment.
Get out of your apartment, you're not allowed to stay there.
Talk to me Keisha, because you have no choice.
Let me breathe....
(by the way i misspelled my name like seven times while typing this)
What do I have left to give ME?
For once I would just like to belong to no one but God and myself.
Fuck everybody else.
I think Anne Rice described it best in her book, The Vampire Lestat, where the mother speaks of her idea of freedom:
"I imagine going into the village and up into the inn and taking into my bed any men that come there--crude men, big men, old men, boys. Just lying there and taking them one after another, and feeling some magnificent triumph in it, some absolute release without a thought of what happens to your father or your brothers, whether they are alive or dead. In that moment I am purely myself. I belong to no one."
Yes. That's exactly it. Maybe not so much sexual freedom as the freedom to do whatever I please without caring about judgement...
Whatever I please....
It sounds so good.
And yet so very unattainable.
Oh well. I'm just gonna blast these thoughts out my head with music.
I'll have another story. Maybe later. Maybe not.