Thursday, March 26, 2009


"You've hit your one wall, now find a way around..."- Paramore

For a Pessimist Im Pretty Optimistic - Paramore

I had a conversation with someone very close to me about timing.

It seems that we as humans are always wanting and wishing for something good to happen.

Problem is, it takes so goddamn long that we often lose hope.

As this person once said "I hate waiting. It feels like a part of me dies inside."


I feel him.

I'm patient with certain situations but what the hell am I supposed to do about the desire or urgency I feel?

I can't help it if I want things to go right or to go my way. Don't blame me for how I feel. Maybe if fate/destiny wasn't being such a douche I wouldn't have so many shitty days.



Calming down now...

Back to timing.

As far as I know, we don't have any control over fate, destiny, or even the way the wind blows.

But we do have a say in how we feel as the day goes on.

What I mean is that yes certain situations depress you. But it's up to you to decide how long you're gonna feel sorry for yourself.

You don't have to be an optimist to force yourself to try and have a good day.

So basically, stop worrying about shit you cannot control. And start being proactive about the shit you can.

You can either deal with it or drown in it. Either way it's your life.


And I know what I'm doing with mine.

Money doesn't talk, It SCREAMS

"I take time arrange that (money)...You cannot get jack for free"-Drake
Empty pockets, counting pennies, begging for quarters type of broke.
I lost my keys, which means I have to pay $60 to get them replaced, not to mention I still have to pay my senior dues, pay for my senior pictures and the million other important things I still have to pay for.
I'm crying on the inside.
It seems that no matter what, the universe refuses to let me save or keep money.
And even worse, I'm a responsible (cheap-squeezing dollar) type of person. The one time I treated myself to something nice (I splurged on books. WHO DO YOU KNOW THAT SPLURGES ON BOOKS??) I end up needing that money.
Sometimes I think God hates me.
Like he's just laughing at all of the shit that makes my life so stressful.
The best things in life, like a child's laughter, fun with your friends, a beautiful day to play outside...are free.
BUT how can one provide for that laughing child (or to keep the child laughing. No one laughs on an empty stomach) without money?
Is it really that much fun when your friends want to go take the train downtown but u don't have $4 for a metro card?
And I don't know about the rest of you but I cannot enjoy a beautiful day if I know I don't have money for food or laundry.
But maybe it's just me.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


"I was rolling around in my mind, it occurred, what if God was a Her?"-Common

Faithful - Common

I'm such a nerd.

But I am cute nerd so shut the hell up.

I just finished reading the fifth installment in P.C. & Kristin Cast's House of Night series.


It was good. I'm a series type of girl. Gotta Love the sequels.

I like the House of Night Series (even if 1) the authors tend to babble a bit and I find it a tad bit annoying 2)they tend to let their imagination get a little too wild *cough* MUTATED VERSIONS OF RAVENS/HUMANS, BEHEADINGS AND A DARKNESS THAT GIVES ME HORRIBLE FREAKY NIGHTMARES *cough*)

But I also like the way they incorporate Cherokee traditions/legends, Greek Mythology , a little bit of something that sounds like Wicca (believing in nature so to speak, like the elements) and strangely enough religion. Yes, yes RELIGION.


That old thing.

In the House of Night series, the characters worship Nyx, the goddess of night. The Casts have made her an iconic symbol in the book and of course I love the fact that men and women can worship a woman. The traditional Christian belief of God being a guy and modified in their books.

So Nyx is a goddess. The women who follow her are born to be Matriarchs and the men who follow her are warriors, protectors and men of honor.

My kind of world.

Sadly, as much I would love to worship a goddess it's kind of hard for me shake any beliefs that don't deal with God being a Man and Father. Them daddy issues showing again, ain't they?

Well...If you come from a family of strong independent women and very few (like 2) dependable men, then the idea that God is a strong man/Father who can resist all of the horrible vices in the world and love and look out for you is heaven sent.

No pun intended. Seriously.

But all of this raises a question to me...

Can God and a Goddess coexist?

That's a great flipping question. A couple of weeks ago I was wondering if any form of Christianity, Wicca and/or Native American heritage/tradition can coexist.

It may be possible but then again it all depends on the individual.

And even if it were to happen, can 1 individual persuade of group of strong willed (not easily swayed) people to join in their beliefs? Without taking too much power to the head or using it for personal gain?

Or even better. Can that indivdual call themself a preacher/minister/priestess without looking and dressing and acting like a pimp?


Hmmm...Kind of reminds me of my old preacher. Ain't that a bitch?

I don't think that Pimp-like behavior would happen as often or flamboyantly if we had more women as ministers.

Monday, March 9, 2009

I swear, I be wearing blue in the worst way...

Quote of the day: "You know I won't leave you but won't wait forever..." - Lupe Fiasco

This blog is for Steven.

And for any other person who feels like their relationship is at a standstill.


First things first: I'm not a fearless person. So if I'm taking the time out to show you an intimate part of me, you should respect it, and take care of that piece that I'm giving you.

Secondly: I'm not a fan of wasting time. So if I'm feeling a person I don't want to keep getting mixed signals. Say what you feel instead of talking to me for a few months (or years) and in the manner of a day or question, contradict everything you've already shown me.

Am I making any sense?

Long story short: If I kiss you, kiss me back. And mean it. Plain & simple.


Life is too short to be stressed about a boo or boy/girlfriend. It's too short to be stuck on sucky emotions. Yet ironically, these emotions and people are the things that make Life the most meaningful.

You gotta hand it to God. King of fucking IRONY.

This advice is for every person who has ever talked to a chick/dude and felt that they had to pull back their emotions because their boo wasn't showing the same type of love.

This is advice is also for every person who ever wanted to make a move but was too afraid of the outcome.

If it seems real and right then go for it. Fuck all those doubts and fears! You never know when you're gonna stop breathing.

But if it's too much bullshit floating around the situation, let it go. Life is too short to be stuck on negative energy.


Take that to the heart, for real.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Just one of Dem Days

Is Anybody Listening? - Danity Kane

An old journal entry...From Wednesday February 11th, 2009

I woke up late again, to the smell of stale old cat piss and the sound of my grandmother walking to the kitchen. This may be a normal sound to most people but for me it meant the end of my peace and a desperate need to stop the impending disaster.
I got there just in time to see her going through all of last night's groceries. She demanded to have me cook a whole pack of hot dogs, bring all of the fruits and the box of cereal to her bed while making her a cup of coffee. I secretly demanded to have my peace of mind back. How wonderful would it be to not have to worry that she can fall and break her hip again while I'm at school. Or how wonderful would it be to not have to come home to a house that is full of sheets that never stay clean and a smell that can't be diffused with cleaning products. How wonderful would it be to imagine that she won't be in the kitchen at unimaginable hours of the morning , making a mess. How wonderful would it be to have someone watch her 24/7...
I never thought I would be the one to have an 83 year old child. One that I feed, clean, give fresh pampers, wash the clothes and sheets for, clean the house for, stock the kitchen for while still trying to maintain my grades, clean my room, do my laundry and apply for colleges. Not to mention my lack of a social life, because she can't afford a home attendant and no one else will watch her while I go hang out with friends for a few hours. Never did I think that my 3 sisters wouldn't help as much as I need them to. Never did I think I would feel so alone and overwhelmed...
I put on the water for coffee and ignored her other requests. I climbed in the bed with the hopes of finding more sleep. But of course, that was a fleeting dream. She called me every five minutes to ask if the water was on and boiling. Not to mention I had to keep one ear out to hear if she was scrambling to destroy the kitchen. Again.
I tried so hard to go back to sleep. Because if I didn't, if I forfeited my peace, then she would win. Not saying she was the enemy or purposely tries to get the best of me, but she does unintentionally get the best of me. All of my joy, peace, my sanity...Until there is nothing left but 37 absences, bad report card grades, and a half hearted wish to be someone else. Love Jones was on. A reminder that I can be like Darius (Larenz Tate) and write books and poetry, but only if I can hold tight onto my very being. The best of me. It's something my grandmother has always had, but has neglected to handle with care due to old age and bad memory. I shed a few tears and know that I love her still...
Well, time for school.