Saturday, March 7, 2009

Just one of Dem Days

Is Anybody Listening? - Danity Kane

An old journal entry...From Wednesday February 11th, 2009

I woke up late again, to the smell of stale old cat piss and the sound of my grandmother walking to the kitchen. This may be a normal sound to most people but for me it meant the end of my peace and a desperate need to stop the impending disaster.
I got there just in time to see her going through all of last night's groceries. She demanded to have me cook a whole pack of hot dogs, bring all of the fruits and the box of cereal to her bed while making her a cup of coffee. I secretly demanded to have my peace of mind back. How wonderful would it be to not have to worry that she can fall and break her hip again while I'm at school. Or how wonderful would it be to not have to come home to a house that is full of sheets that never stay clean and a smell that can't be diffused with cleaning products. How wonderful would it be to imagine that she won't be in the kitchen at unimaginable hours of the morning , making a mess. How wonderful would it be to have someone watch her 24/7...
I never thought I would be the one to have an 83 year old child. One that I feed, clean, give fresh pampers, wash the clothes and sheets for, clean the house for, stock the kitchen for while still trying to maintain my grades, clean my room, do my laundry and apply for colleges. Not to mention my lack of a social life, because she can't afford a home attendant and no one else will watch her while I go hang out with friends for a few hours. Never did I think that my 3 sisters wouldn't help as much as I need them to. Never did I think I would feel so alone and overwhelmed...
I put on the water for coffee and ignored her other requests. I climbed in the bed with the hopes of finding more sleep. But of course, that was a fleeting dream. She called me every five minutes to ask if the water was on and boiling. Not to mention I had to keep one ear out to hear if she was scrambling to destroy the kitchen. Again.
I tried so hard to go back to sleep. Because if I didn't, if I forfeited my peace, then she would win. Not saying she was the enemy or purposely tries to get the best of me, but she does unintentionally get the best of me. All of my joy, peace, my sanity...Until there is nothing left but 37 absences, bad report card grades, and a half hearted wish to be someone else. Love Jones was on. A reminder that I can be like Darius (Larenz Tate) and write books and poetry, but only if I can hold tight onto my very being. The best of me. It's something my grandmother has always had, but has neglected to handle with care due to old age and bad memory. I shed a few tears and know that I love her still...
Well, time for school.

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