Warning.

Lately, I feel I've been settling for way less than I deserve.

In various aspects, in various friendships and relationships.



Is being on equal footing with someone too much to ask?



I've stated before how I feel about chasing things.



You can find that HERE.



You don't have long to get it together.



I'm done with trying to reach out to you.



Why play tag if you're not going to tag back?



I'm not a child any longer.

You come to me.

Between you and me...

I am really proud of myself.

I wrote a poem yesterday.



The second hardest poem I think I've ever written.



I can really get in the groove when I write about people.


And I believe I have really come a long way.


With so much farther to go...


But why can't I write about him?


Now...


To the man who isn't home to me...


Why is it that I don't feel enough camp fire in my ribs



To cough up the same sort of flames from my fingertips?



When it comes to writing about you...



What am I missing?

They Say I'm Hopeless...

Like a penny with a hole in it.

They say I'm no less

Than up to my head in it.

Haiku 6

White walls of fears. We

Don't exist outside bedrooms.

Love me in locked doors.

Haiku 5

You used to blind me. Somehow your light dimmed. You were Brighter before this.

Haiku 4

I only learned self control because some things I just don't want to know.

The Question of the Day is....

"How you gonna sweep her off her feet and not catch her?"-Seneya Nixon

Exactly!

How are you gonna pick me up and spin me around, have my heart up in the clouds...


Floating on cloud 9...


And when I look down...


You are halfway down the block with Tammy?


Thank God for parachutes.

Haiku 3

He calls me beautiful. I am not beautiful. I'm only willing.

Growth.

Yesterday I took the time to read every blog I've ever written on this site.

And while I must say it took some time



It was beyond entertaining.



It helped me remember what I like most about me



You see, even though I change and grow



And morph and form into something new



As my writing gets better and transforms into something



Other...



The heart that I put into it is the same.




I've grown.





And this is one time where I can look back and not be ashamed.




I am so proud of this blog.




I don't think I could ever leave it.




But I'm keeping my tumblr.




My new posts will be filled with the old and the new me




But I also want to embark on a new journey.




And since I don't like cake...




And you can't have your cake and eat it too....




I'm gonna make a whole bunch of cookies and call it a day.

Got a problem?

Saturdays.

There is nothing worse than hand me down Saturdays

No answer, call you back

Flipped to the back burner Saturdays.

The Saturdays where the only sound you hear

Is the creaking of empty cupboards

And the only things that keep you company

Is the turmoil from a past life.

I was alone yesterday.

In my apartment.

Patting backs with empty space

And saying hello to memories.

Memories of women who

Rip the hinges off of diaries

And assault the words it took so much courage to write

I watched as the pages swallowed their tears

And as the diary opened its arms up to me

And said "Love me in pieces"

But it was better whole.

I was alone yesterday.

And the only thing to keep me company

Was a razor sharp woman

Freely falling with her edges

A woman with a vendetta

To make my skin feel steel.

She is a woman who never loses

Has everything to lose

The kind who creates a force field

Made of knives.

To get to the center

You have to get scissored.

I was alone yesterday.

I was cleaning

For company who never came

And people who never cared to stay

Longer than it takes to wreck the peace here.

I reacquainted myself with

Dirty tile floors.

We look more similar everyday.

I was alone yesterday.

With nothing but a view

I didn't care to look at

Of a city that doesn't know how to love me back

And the only thing I looked forward to was a drive by

Of Hi's. Hellos. How Are Yous. Goodbyes.

I sat in the empty space

And wondered what would it take for this place to feel

Like Home again.

Fun again.

At least a little less lonely.

I was alone yesterday.

While you were in my city

Close enough to touch me

Close enough to call me

But why would you?

When it comes to me

Your phone is on silent

There are no missed calls

And outgoing ones just give wrong impressions.

I think you were too busy fondling the other stars in your sky

Too busy to see I

And everything I am

Make up constellations for you to gaze upon

My being makes me Taurus

Which is really Zeus in disguise

And it seems you only focus

When the lightning strikes.


There is nothing worse than hand me down Saturdays.

No answer, call you back

Flipped to the back burner Saturdays.

The Saturdays where the only sound you hear

Is the sweeping of dusty tiles

And the only things that keep you company

Are the turmoil from this life

The disappointments they bring

And Ramen to fill the stomach.

*And that ladies and gentleman is called a freewrite. These will also appear more often, *

Haiku 2

Heads, you win this round.

Tails, you give me head. Good thing



This coin has one side.

I Bet You Think This Post Is About You

10-1
(Ten To One)

I have all your passwords.
And all your emails.
It's not that you're keeping anything from me
And people who go digging for dirt do find it
But I really wish you weren't doing what you're doing.
It hurts.

I kinda agreed with her.
I wish you spoke a bit clearer.
But who am I to tell you what your fingerprints look like?

I see the feeling isn't as mutual as it could be.

Who is it gonna be?
Me?
Her?
Or her?

I don't know how to make you
Nonexistent.
There's really nothing keeping me here
Besides a pair of underwear
And a distant dream.
I can wake up in many ways, I just hope its not on the wrong side of the bed.

I think it's a bit ironic
To see how badly you want me
Now.
Everything comes full circle
Doesn't it?

We don't exist outside of your bedroom.

Your sheets beckon me
Screaming come home to myself
Can't recall leaving.

I need common sense.
What a fool I am. Knocking
To doors that whisper.

She will win today.
She peeks at cards I never
Knew were dealt. Blackjack.

Things You Should Know/I'm Still Not Saying

10-1
(Ten to One)
I bet you think this post is about you.

I left you long before the New Year started.
You irritate me.
You're like dull match whose spark blew out a long time ago.
Stay in my old life's ash tray.

I appreciate you.
Really I do.
And you seem cool.
But you annoy me.
And you're icky.
You mean well.
I'm an asshole.
But jeesh!

It's funny .
Because you said when a woman gets like this, she finds a way.
I found a way.
It wasn't how I expected.
You will never know about any of those old day dreams.

I get why you are the first in a long time.
I approve.
But more importantly...
Do you want a mentee?
Teach me a few things?
Be my big sister?

I find myself trying to recreate our friendship.
I think we have both grown in different ways.
In school, you have surpassed me.
But in Life...
Well...
I'm still waiting.

The hotter the weather gets
The more I think of you.
I am so angry that you have owned my last summer
And now all I can think of this summer
Is how it relates to last summer.
I really could have gone without knowing you.
No doubt I grew
But really
I could have gone without knowing you.

You didn't deserve what I did to you.
I jeopardized a promising friendship
For nothing more than teenage actions and hormones.
I'm sorry.
You hate me.
I deserve it.
I know.

I didn't ask for your favor.
And since when is OUR business, YOUR business?
Say what you will.
But I'm an asset in his life.
I belong there.
In ways you could never imagine.
Hopefully, one day you will witness
What he looks like
When he decides to evolve.
Fuck. You.

You are
All brilliant in your own setting.
I dig it.
Watching from the sidelines is cool .
All I know
Is that I can find my identity
From watching you.
You are everything I have yet to be.
Everything I'm not.

You can't be bothered with yesterday's foolishness.
Let it go I beg you.
Where is your hunger??

And I Wish I Could Tell You But...

This is called a 10-1 (Ten To One)

Ten Different Things You Wish You Could Say To Ten Different People.

I will be doing this frequently.

It's getting closer to the day we first met.
I hope you still think about me.
Our park has a name you know.
Devoe Park.
Not that it matters anymore.

I think it's reaaaaaallly fucked up
That you aren't on my team.
Do I really deserve your disapproval?

I see your qualities. I admire you heavily.
Yet and still...
I still wonder what about you Hooked him like a fishing rod
What specifically baited him?
I'm guessing that your worm was a bit more impressive than mine.
I still wonder.

Because of her
I feel that we can never fully connect
On an artist's level.
I feel you have certain expectations.
You were looking for another peer (like her)
And I only amount to a protegee
One day I want to be on your level.

You still have eyes that cut like razors.
You think you could cut through me.
You could slice through my anatomy's blueprint
and STILL not know what the Hell you're reading.
There's no need for violence.
I hope you understand one day.

She doesn't deserve your anger.
I never knew that you could flip flop so easily.
How can you be mad at someone who shields me
From your misguided arrows?
Say what you will
But honestly,
This attitude of yours appalls and disgusts me.

I know I don't try hard enough.
There is no excuse.
I'm sorry.

I know exactly how you feel.
I would feel the same way
If I walked in your shoes.
I am sympathetic but I refuse
To let a good thing pass.
I think in the end we'll all be lonely.

I love you more than
My leaking voice box can squeak
I hope you don't know.
I wish that one day
You would see things as I do.
Try on my glasses.

You are worth so much more.

Haiku 1

His words retract like


Sneaky rubberbands. Stay for



Just a while longer...

Another Grandma Story...

So my grandmother's birthday is actually 3 days after mine.

I asked her if she was excited about her our birthdays.


She said:

Grammy: No...


Me: But why grandma???


Grammy: Because I have to see your ugly face another year!!


Me: ............that's not funny.


Grammy: (evil laughter)

Fin.

Home is...

Home is...

Where the heart is.




Where the food is.




When someone thinks of you.




Only as comfortable as the people in it.




But for me...




Home is often....





Pretty things suspended in air...

I may have lied...

Okay.

Don't hit me.

I'm back!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorta.



My tumblr will definitely be for certain things....

But venting unfortunately is not one of them

The vibe is ALL wrong,

and I kinda miss being included with Gwen (www.poetikily.blogspot.com)

and Ziggy (www.dekuumba.blogspot.com)



I've forgotten what having an internet diary feels like.


And that is unforgivable.


So I am back.




Now.... Updates:

No longer working at Old Slavery aka Old Navy but I do want another job.


Back home...long long story.


I love my godmother Kelly.


And I turned 19 on May 4th.

So those are the facts,


add me on oovoo or skype (sunpainting, sun_painting1)



And I'll be back with another post about my usual bullshit. It feels good.


P.S. I hate these demon children walking around just WAITING to be smacked.



P.P.S. Blogger STILL acts retarded with uploading pics. So I'm definitely keeping my tumblr. (insert irritation HERE)