"Sometimes your first scars won't ever fade away..." - The Script
Okay here's the deal bloggers. I promised myself I wouldn't write until all the assignments I need to graduate were done.
But I couldn't do it.
I had this blog in my head for a while now and listening to the song above made my decision.
So here we are.
Today's topic is nostalgia...First Love.
Or more appropriately, the first time you realized that your heart could bleed inside its chest.
When you first realized that heartbreak could make you physically sick.
Your first glimpse of real dating, and why most people are wary of it.
Now pay attention, because I'm not going to speak on this for a LONG time.
His name isn't really important.
Not much was important at the time.
Not grades, money or some false sense of school spirit (shout out to FDA heads).
It was 9th grade. New start. Freshman year.
Fresh classes, fresh hairstyles, fresh faces.
After school. Me. Him. We vibed.
Laughter. I like him. He likes me. We're dating.
He's sweet...and new, and really really into me.
He's into me the way that they all are at the start.
But I choose not to bash our beginning.
Phone for hours. He's not what I'm used to.
It's good conversation. He wants to hear me.
As Jill Scott said " he wanted to talk about my mission, listen to my past lives".
Eventually him and I become "we".
And on the first week of "us": Britney tells me she sees him kissing a chick.
I confront. He denies.
I let it go...until he tells me the truth.
Him. He cheated on me in that first week of our relationship. And admitted it after he lied.
At first I walk away. And looking back I should have stayed away. But I didn't.
Why? Cuz I'm stupid sometimes.
But don't judge me, even if you've never done anything stupid in your whole life.
And if you say you haven't then you're cheerfully lying
(you stone throwing mother f*ckers)
Back to the story.
Somehow I ended up "accidently" punching him in the face.
I take him back.
And from then on it's just nonstop turmoil and stress.
Because once someone cheats the trust is gone
Leaving an empty space for doubt and insecurity to fill.
And for signs of intuition to be sharpened.
But he still calls me baby
And tells me he loves me
And that he's never met anyone quite like me
And accepts all of me
Because "we look good together"
His words not mine.
November.
December.
January.
And throughout these months I'm not his only girlfriend.
I would give names but I honestly can't remember them.
But I do remember there were 4 total I knew of.
Let me tell you why I liked him.
He always tried to make me laugh. He was smarter than he let on. He was engaging.
Had great conversation.
Always tried to look for the positive.
He showed me the type of attention I craved (and trust me that is one hard thing to do).
But mostly, the whole experience was different.
He wasn't my first boyfriend.
But he was the first relationship I had that i really FELT.
Like I would do anything to make us work.
And did everything to gain back that feeling we had in the beginning.
Still. Things Change. People Grow. Apart.
February.
It's different. He's no longer doing all the stuff we used to do.
I don't see him in the hallway.
He's not there with me at lunch.
We don't kiss, we don't hug.
If it wasn't for me we probably wouldn't speak.
He went from "baby I love you, you're the only one who gets it"
To talking behind my back
And posting pics up on sconex (remember that?)
With his new girlfriend.
Because apparently
He told everyone in our school that we were broken up.
Well I didn't know that shit
Or rather I did know that shit. Because you feel a breakup when it's coming.
It doesn't always catch you by surprise.
You'll feel the warning signs.
And if you have similar behavior, then you'll ignore them just like I did.
Lesson 1: Denial is very unhealthy.
He hinted at our breakup.
ttle words. Bigger actions.
Less phone calls. Hardly any contact.
And I feel like, if I see you everyday you can't hide in plain sight.
And if I'm willing to stay by you when you constantly show your ass then why would you give it up?
How did I go from "his queen...
....to his ABC chick?"
For those of you who don't know what an ABC chick is let me explain to you.
A. The chick who is ALWAYS willing to give you anything you want, regardless of ATTACHMENT.
B. Because there are not BUTS about it.
C. Of COURSE he's gonna call when he's horny. But as for anything else, it's not happening.
And I was that ABC chick for a long time.
It didn't matter that months previously, he had looked into my eyes and my spirit bended towards him.
Well what can I say? You gotta admire teenage romance.
March.
I'm not eating much these days.
April.
My hair is falling out.
May 1st. He leaves me for one of them.
May 3rd. I cut my hair.
May 4th. I smile when I'm sick to my stomach.
June.
July.
August.
September.
October.
November.
I mourn the beginning. And whoever I was before Him.
Because all of those good memories are blurry and distorted.
And most good feelings are lost behind the anger and depression and need to get over him.
Slowly. Surely.
Eventually the wound starts to scab.
And lucky ones are just left with an ugly scar
Whether the scar is metaphorical
Or in the form of the scar of a C-Section.
It's there.
And while the pain dulls
And you gradually push all of those ill feelings to the back of your mind
You slowly move on.
But every now and again
The scars open as if they never closed
And the scab is ripped away
And after all of those days of healing
You manage
To Bleed.
Just Like That.
