Bare All Cold Weather

Let's get personal and recap for a second.

Around this time last year I was:

1. Kicked out of my home and living with my godmother

2. Hurt and confused that the guy I was talking to kept giving me mixed signals

3. I was still finding myself

4. Heavily depressed and repressing it.


Boy if I knew then what I know now....


I digress.

December and January were my worst months.

Also, they were the first months in which I ever got drunk.

And thus, this freewrite:

I.

Alcohol always tastes like

Women with no strength for teaching

The ones who lost their love in the laundry

Women who stitch their fears to bar glasses

Like mothers

Who never told me to button my jumpy bones

Silently.

II.

Drunk

Is not a good friend of mine

We are about as close as

The quiet grazing an ex lover's mouth

And the thunder lapping tongue between his & mine.

My tonsils don't hold sun storms well.

III.

Sweaty hands can unhook

Even the most strategically placed underwire

I own secrets in that metal

Can you handle the breaths beneath the bra?

IV.

I start to remember

I cannot afford the morning.

Cotton swished aftermath

A sunrise too wooden to make peace with.

V.

I lose the pieces.

I know that this is a new year, and the past is past and all...

But I just can't forget where I came from.

Where I was. It keeps chasing me.

Something about it just won't let me be...

Full Circle.

I remember the Fall with you.


Walks splintered into my stopwatch of a schedule.


Stanzas squeezed into the streaming of my pulse.


You held my hand once.


You remember?


I remember laying in the park with you.


Hesitation fed by petty grass stains.


This was before I wanted to untie the soul


You secretly twisted in your tongue.


It was simple then.


When I was still too afraid to be hopeful.


When I molded you out of


The freshest dirt in my day dream.


Before I got hit with a heart


Full of quaking bricks.


I remember your breath before the sunset.


The way a smile used to taste on you.


The way the sun winked at the hardened glass


In your eyes.


Back when I liked your eyes best.


When I didn't mind them being quiet


And safe.


I remember my frostbitten breathing.


Watching windows


And accepting the fog to them.


I remember the tears in the train station.


I remember your phone number.


I remember all the sweet words flexed away from me


The alcohol swished in your system


The truth you spilled because of it.


It's September again.


I remember the poisoned peace you never owed me.


The lead I still carry in my rib cage.


The way it weighs me down when I flit forward.


I remember silly poems.


And late night phone conversations.


I remember how you bit too hard


How I never had the guts to tell you.


And I keep wondering


If it was really that easy for you to forget.

Baby Steps.

*Baby steps back into my focus.

I've been so unfocused lately.

I need to start writing like I'm running again.*

There's just something about the way

Doubt sits in your spit

And the spit sits in your lie

The way the lie hits your breath

When you realize you loved me past Wednesday.

I cradle myself

Into routine baptism

Dunking away the denial

Rippling in the scream I've thrown you

You catch it like a cramp

In the crooked noose of your neck.

You disappear before I see you.

I know you were there.

Don't tell me this space never felt your presence

Cock eyed smile

Alley slanted grin

I know

You were standing next to me.

You leave me undefended.

I jerk around battles bigger

Than any nightmare. Closer

Than jolting backwards into arms

That could never jerk me forward in time.

I open my eyes

I take a deep breath

And thank the lucky stars for the solidness of bed sides.

Random Thoughts On a Friday

No one should ever be afraid to say "I love you".


But here I am.


Spit mangling mono-syllables


Tonsils cradling soundwaves


Because the waves of my tongue make it sound soo


Death chamber.


I would sing it to you


But I'm not familiar with electric chair harmonies.


Is this fear necessary?


*yeah that was mad random.*

I Felt Like Singing.

July 7th Second Freewrite

Today

I loved like graves and gravel

Heartbeats

Their silhouette splattered across shit and soil

He went digging.

Made me a crude effigy

Of half-hearted eulogies

And blew farewells that went sailing

In Brooklyn's stale air.

Each beat

Was in tune

With the raspy silence of a funeral.

He went digging.

Past the broken shards of my window opened ribcage

He unlocked the fingertips that glued my secrets together

He tore at the weak adhesive of my words

While I broke bread with the dusted bones

Of the woman I was before him.

Digging.

He buried me below sea level

I could feel his disgust behind

The chipped white of my chattering teeth

He couldn't feel the remorse beneath

The quivering wrinkles of my lifelines.

A funeral.

A watery grave

I felt his silence

Swimming in my eyelids

His absence

Gripping onto my lashes

Like erased love letters

Like a thief's forgotten tear drops

Like messages chopped, bodied and bottled

In apathetic seas.

The ocean doesn't care who it enters

It entered my lungs

Tickled the bubbles of my breath

I was choking on apologies.

Your lips are life jackets

Jerking away from me

In another world

3 Feet above the surface

Away from me. No wonder

I stopped struggling.

No wonder I stopped swimming.

I'm sorrys

Just don't float

As easy

As they used to.

(feels like its missing something. thoughts?)

It's None Of Your Business.

I really despise people who talk to you like they know everything.

A young man came up to me the other day saying he knew this and that.


He was basically saying that he could read me and that he knew all there was to know about me and my friend's relationship.


Of course he was talking out of ignorance.


And that's fine if you THINK you know something.


Go ahead.


By why step to me with the bullshit,


Aggravate me,


And make an ass out of yourself?


All of this was completely unnecessary.


So I wrote a little something for him...

Boy
You have never been beautiful
Your smile is ugly
Heavy from the arrogance its been lifting
The screech of your voice is skating towards me
Saliva thick with the ignorance you spit.


You are just a boy.
With scrawny limbs
And not enough weight on your tongue
To dishevel the truth of my stature



The next time your lips utter the foul breath of falsehoods
And your cheeks feel an obligation to blow them my way
I will sidestep them as always
Hand you a mint
And pray you survive this stage of puberty
Boy.

[HAIKU FOR DAT ASS!]

Step to me like a


Man. Stop hiding behind a


Boy's baggy trousers.

ASS.

Saturdays.

There is nothing worse than hand me down Saturdays

No answer, call you back

Flipped to the back burner Saturdays.

The Saturdays where the only sound you hear

Is the creaking of empty cupboards

And the only things that keep you company

Is the turmoil from a past life.

I was alone yesterday.

In my apartment.

Patting backs with empty space

And saying hello to memories.

Memories of women who

Rip the hinges off of diaries

And assault the words it took so much courage to write

I watched as the pages swallowed their tears

And as the diary opened its arms up to me

And said "Love me in pieces"

But it was better whole.

I was alone yesterday.

And the only thing to keep me company

Was a razor sharp woman

Freely falling with her edges

A woman with a vendetta

To make my skin feel steel.

She is a woman who never loses

Has everything to lose

The kind who creates a force field

Made of knives.

To get to the center

You have to get scissored.

I was alone yesterday.

I was cleaning

For company who never came

And people who never cared to stay

Longer than it takes to wreck the peace here.

I reacquainted myself with

Dirty tile floors.

We look more similar everyday.

I was alone yesterday.

With nothing but a view

I didn't care to look at

Of a city that doesn't know how to love me back

And the only thing I looked forward to was a drive by

Of Hi's. Hellos. How Are Yous. Goodbyes.

I sat in the empty space

And wondered what would it take for this place to feel

Like Home again.

Fun again.

At least a little less lonely.

I was alone yesterday.

While you were in my city

Close enough to touch me

Close enough to call me

But why would you?

When it comes to me

Your phone is on silent

There are no missed calls

And outgoing ones just give wrong impressions.

I think you were too busy fondling the other stars in your sky

Too busy to see I

And everything I am

Make up constellations for you to gaze upon

My being makes me Taurus

Which is really Zeus in disguise

And it seems you only focus

When the lightning strikes.


There is nothing worse than hand me down Saturdays.

No answer, call you back

Flipped to the back burner Saturdays.

The Saturdays where the only sound you hear

Is the sweeping of dusty tiles

And the only things that keep you company

Are the turmoil from this life

The disappointments they bring

And Ramen to fill the stomach.

*And that ladies and gentleman is called a freewrite. These will also appear more often, *