Another Grandma Story...

So my grandmother's birthday is actually 3 days after mine.

I asked her if she was excited about her our birthdays.


She said:

Grammy: No...


Me: But why grandma???


Grammy: Because I have to see your ugly face another year!!


Me: ............that's not funny.


Grammy: (evil laughter)

Fin.

Violated Much?

Getting molested by lil' old ladies who are SENILE and do NOT speak ANY english is not fun.

At all.

Just ask me.

So I went to go and visit Grandma not too long ago (she's sarcastic as ever) and we're sitting in the cafeteria with the rest of the old ladies.

There's this one SHORT and i do mean SHORT, like 4 foot 11 hispanic lady talking to me in spanish.

And I don't have a clue what she is saying.

So naturally I look to Grandma for a little advice of how to continue this conversation.

Grandma is listening to the lady and nodding and smiling so I'm following grandma and now I'm nodding and smiling...

And this short lady goes and grabs me, HARD by the arm, and starts talking even more passionately on some Drag Me To Hell shit

(wanna know what's even creepier? the short lady kinda looks like this one).

So now I'm REALLY creeped out and my face is all like O_O when the lady starts laughing...

She then goes to hug me, which turns into her kissing my forehead...

......my cheek....

......my NECK (and by this point I'm BEYOND uncomfortable...)....

And she starts rubbing her hands on my breasts.

And not just a tap like she wanna play with drums or something.

NOOO! She's rubbin them like she just can't seem to brush the dirt off of them.

I jump up and all I look to my grandma who isn't paying me ANY attention...

And I run downstairs to get some fresh air.

Cause seriously...what the hell I'm gonna do? Call the cops on an old lady?

Have the nurses send her to her room?

It's just a lose-lose situation for me.

(insert sigh here)

I'm gonna go lay down and just pretend like none of that ever happened...

oH! By the way...

Miss me much?

The Chronicles Of Grandma...Again

So for those of you who don't know, my grandmother is currently in a nursing home recovering from a broken hip...

I affectionately call her the bionic woman.

But I have two stories to tell here:

Story 1:

(back when she was in the hospital)

Me: Grandma why are you so mean? :(

Grammy: I'm not mean.

Me: :( Yes you are...

*commercial for some kids toy comes on t.v.*

Grammy: SHUT UP YOU BRATS!

Me: O.O grandma!

Grammy: What? *so nonchalantly I might add*

Me: You just said you weren't mean and then you just yelled at the kids on tv!

Grammy: I'm not mean if they can't hear me.

................................

LMAO! I find that quite hilarious and true.

Story 2:

*sitting with grammy at the nursing home with her 2 old lady friends. the darker one has threatened to hit another patient over the head with her cane and the hispanic one next to grandma is JUST getting started...

Dark Lady: *points to some man in a wheelchair* Is that a man?

Grammy: Yup.

Hispanic Lady: *THICK accent* Yeah it is and thats one ugly mother fucker.

Me & Amanda: O.O *LMAOOOO!*

Grammy: *laughing* That's not nice, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Hispanic Lady: Well what you want me to say? He's cute? He's an ugly motherfucker.

PART 2!

*nurses come in to give hispanic lady her shot*

Hispanic Lady: GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME YOU STUPID MOTHER FUCKERS!

Nurse 1: Calm down miss, this is for your diabetes

Hispanic Lady: SUCK MY PUSSY YOU BUMS!

Me and Amanda:.................................................

Grammy: *laughing*

Nurse 2: I got her *gives her the shot*

Hispanic: I hope you choke on my cum, you faggot.

Me and Amanda: ..............................!!!!

Hispanic Lady: I got something for your ass alright *picks up a butterknife and threatens the nurses with it*

Grammy: Don't you think you're gonna need something sharper than that? *picks up a FORK*

Now what the hell is up with my grandmother and effing FORKS!?! JESUS! (click the link smh).

I can't. I really can't. *dying of laughter*

Sweet Nanny Strikes Again

So I go to see my grandma in the nursing home/rehab center where she is staying for the moment...

And of course she just gives me another story to tell.

Me: (kissing grandma on the cheek) I love you Grandma

Grammy: (squirming) yeah yeah

Me: (still kissing) You're so cute! I love you so much

Grammy: (still squirming) Yeah I heard you, get the hell off me now

Me:....NO! (kisses cheek more fiercely) I LOVE YOU!

Grammy: (looks me straight in the eye) Yeah you gonna love my fist in your face too.

Me:................

O_O

-_-

(bemused face)

Me: Why you always gotta do me like that ma?

Grandma: (insert evil laughter here)

Look at her. Lookin all innocent.

She ain't sweet goddammit!!

The Chronicles of Grandma

Lol no music quote for this entry either...

Unless you got a good theme song for my grandmother's crazy antics.

Please let me know :).

So I was chatting with my friend Satara on aim

(her blogspot: http://satara-revealed.blogspot.com i really love her, i'm always laughing)

And we both agreed that children and old people are hilarious.

And who is more hilarious than MY grandmother.

Looks harmless don't she?

So here is one of the many moments I have shared.

Caution: She's Violent.

Me: (talking on the phone with my sister)

Grandma: Keisha ! Are we alone?

Me: Yeah, grammy, why?

Grandma: Good. (PICKS UP A FORK) Cause I'ma kill you.

.........................

............................................

..................................................................

As simone would say *blank stare*

Grandma : (evil reckless laughter)

Me: (to my sister) I think I'm gonna sleep in the hallway tonight.

Now I never said my grandmother was nice but Sweet Nanny caught me totally off guard with that one.

What can I say? She's a G.

And I'm probably gonna suffer for it. Oh well.

LOVE YA GRAMMY!