Song of the month...

Where do we go from here?

What do I do with these feelings?

The words above are lyrics to Eric Roberson's duet with Lalah Hathaway.

The song is called Dealing.

They both have extremely beautiful voices and the lyrics are relevant to my life currently so...

Enjoy.

Another Ex Story

"I wonder if there's even one in existence, enough to keep my attention to go the distance..."-Lloyd Banks

Help - Lloyd Banks

YAY! Return of the song quote posts!

Lol anywhoo...I was hanging with my friend, we'll call him L, and he was complimenting me (for once).

Anyone who knows me, SHOULD know that I'm a sucker for flattery.

He called me a great catch, and after all the blushing and ishh it got me thinking...

(flashback into another ex story)

If I was such a great catch, then why couldn't I catch one of my own?

This is Aaron.

He was my tenth grade boo.

Key word: Boo. Not boyfriend, not other half.

Our relationship was based on my infallible ability to ignore the fact that I was no more than a jump-off to him.

As much as I liked Aaron, he never wanted to be my boyfriend.

He was a great listener. Funny. Engaged in conversations actively.

Even when I was mad at him, he would make me smile. He was sweet.

Dude even had a little bit of style....

Problem with him was that he wanted his cake, your cake and and the cake batter as well.

We were dating. And while I had the impression he was dating other people, I never actually SAW it.

But he made the constant mistake of flirting with other girls in front of me.

And it really bothered me. But I didn't say anything (cause I'm stupid).

Eventually I asked him where we were going with "us" and he tells me he's not ready for a relationship.

So that was the end of that.

Time passes, we lose contact, he adds me on myspace...

Says how we should catch up...

We spent six hours on the phone that night.

He told me how much he wanted to really know me again, how much he wanted to get close to me and not only in an intimate way.

And I was just sitting there with my mouth half open like "Is This Aaron Really Talking?"

Talking about he was good for me, and just what I needed at the moment.

So I get very little sleep. Because all of those old feelings came STRAIGHT back...

I called him for 2 days straight and got no response. I hit him up on aim and he says he doesn't want any type of commitment and that he didn't want his words to be construed in that way...

Womp Womp.

You know what else came back? All that RESENTMENT and ANGER!

Like, why can't I get this dude? Am I not good enough? I think I'm a pretty decent partner.

There will be others but seriously, why couldn't I get one I really wanted?

In this obsession, I do the predictable.

I go onto his myspace.....

.....................................................

.................................................................................................................

...................................................

.............................................................................................

If you haven't realized by now, myspace is the devil.

Not only does it say he's in a relationship, but it says in his about me "Wassup world, this ya boy

Aaron, as you can see I love my wife 10-27-07 I love You Baby...."

{Insert Pictures of them Kissing and 2 Other Pictures of Her on his page HERE}

Doesn't this sound familiar?

{Click HERE for the previous story}

What's up with this say one thing and your myspace says another trend? That shit is NOT cool...

But it really took a hit on my self esteem. Why did he keep slipping through my fingers?

(even though he's just a 'ain't shit mu-fucka' as Jen says).

I don't get it. It baffles me.

And ever since Aaron, I haven't been able to be interested in a relationship with my romantic partners (with one exception).

No one has really caught my eye like him.

And unfortunately, he was just another bad apple.

I feel like Snow White, choking on the poison.

Anyway just had to get it off my chest.

Insomnia

"You have managed to turn me from a woman of substance into this"-Jill Scott

Insomnia - Jill Scott

I like those unattainable men.

The ones that fight so hard that you can never tell how sensitive they really are.

I like the ones who joke around too much.

The ones who let themself become ruled by the streets

even though

the streets can never love them like I do.

I like men who disappear.

And this applies to all of the people I've dated

slept with

Or had an emotional connection to.

I like those men who keep me up at night

crying

dreaming

holding my stomach

trying to calm down those persistent butterflies.

I don't like christmas gifts

I don't like saying hi drive bys

I don't like anxiety.

I don't like sleeping.

...well now that those random thoughts are over....

All of that was inspired by Jill Scott's Insomnia, A conversation with my friend Six and A dream I had a week ago.

And these next lines will forever haunt me. I will always relate to them. And I'm not sure if I will ever be grateful for that.

Thanx Aaron.

(time to wake up, put on my strong face and hope that no one will know)

You have managed to turn me from a woman of substance

Into A

Brick Flying

Calling too damn much

Crying and crying

Spying

Way down down low

With flats on

From the opposite side of the bar

Easy Off

Loaded on top of your car

Chick.

I never intended to be this chick.

Groping at smoke for her mind

Or the readily dissolving remnants of it

After being chased

I've been dismissed

As just an object

Something to play with

You have managed to turn me

From a woman of substance

Into this.

Beliefs...

"I was rolling around in my mind, it occurred, what if God was a Her?"-Common

Faithful - Common

I'm such a nerd.

But I am cute nerd so shut the hell up.

I just finished reading the fifth installment in P.C. & Kristin Cast's House of Night series.

It was good. I'm a series type of girl. Gotta Love the sequels.

I like the House of Night Series (even if 1) the authors tend to babble a bit and I find it a tad bit annoying 2)they tend to let their imagination get a little too wild *cough* MUTATED VERSIONS OF RAVENS/HUMANS, BEHEADINGS AND A DARKNESS THAT GIVES ME HORRIBLE FREAKY NIGHTMARES *cough*)

But I also like the way they incorporate Cherokee traditions/legends, Greek Mythology , a little bit of something that sounds like Wicca (believing in nature so to speak, like the elements) and strangely enough religion. Yes, yes RELIGION.

That old thing.

In the House of Night series, the characters worship Nyx, the goddess of night. The Casts have made her an iconic symbol in the book and of course I love the fact that men and women can worship a woman. The traditional Christian belief of God being a guy and modified in their books.

So Nyx is a goddess. The women who follow her are born to be Matriarchs and the men who follow her are warriors, protectors and men of honor.

My kind of world.

Sadly, as much I would love to worship a goddess it's kind of hard for me shake any beliefs that don't deal with God being a Man and Father. Them daddy issues showing again, ain't they?

Well...If you come from a family of strong independent women and very few (like 2) dependable men, then the idea that God is a strong man/Father who can resist all of the horrible vices in the world and love and look out for you is heaven sent.

No pun intended. Seriously.

But all of this raises a question to me...

Can God and a Goddess coexist?

That's a great flipping question. A couple of weeks ago I was wondering if any form of Christianity, Wicca and/or Native American heritage/tradition can coexist.

It may be possible but then again it all depends on the individual.

And even if it were to happen, can 1 individual persuade of group of strong willed (not easily swayed) people to join in their beliefs? Without taking too much power to the head or using it for personal gain?

Or even better. Can that indivdual call themself a preacher/minister/priestess without looking and dressing and acting like a pimp?

Hmmm...Kind of reminds me of my old preacher. Ain't that a bitch?

I don't think that Pimp-like behavior would happen as often or flamboyantly if we had more women as ministers.