No Luxury for Dreaming

You Should Remember

2011-03-28T13:49:00.000-07:00

I go ghost sometimes.

Sorry? I am. But don't I make it worth your while?

Yes! And if I don't, don't correct me!

I need my ego these days.

Here's a 10-1. Click that link to see what a 10-1 is if you're a new pair of eyes.

I have a couple of these.

Enjoy.

You must have forgotten about my temper.
That I am Zeus in his arrogance.
Lightning ever ready.
You don't want to be the fried tree
In the way of a traveler's commute
Do you?

I have a problem
With seeing things
As I am.
You are not as I am.
You are a mixed blessing.
But hey, aren't they all?

You're only human.
You're no superwoman.
Yet.

I remember Harlem
Toasted in the back of my neck
Biting at the frost of your arms.
I'll always remember.
But I can't forget I've moved on.

"You are very
Very
Sure of yourself aren't you?"

Distance
Is like Time.
We just don't know where it will lead us.

My voice gets trapped in the furniture here.
How clever you have been!
Ensnaring my voice in wood,
Captivating my words in metal and linen.
You're counting on my insanity
Aren't you?

Music
Isn't the only thing about us.
Music
Isn't the only thing
I'm afraid of.

I'm old enough
To know a snake when I see one
To know a trap when I see one
To booby trap
To tame a beast
To gain a pet
If I want one.

You've never been wiser.

I've never been wiser.

Have never been

Wise.

Today I Am Rambling

2011-03-28T13:40:00.000-07:00

Jealousy is a wretched condition.

I am jealous of boys who play nurse to their mothers, wait on them hand and foot.

I am jealous of the mothers.

Jealous that authority doesn't always just bridge the generation gap, no, instead it is threaded to her apron.

I am fearful of being that girl in the back of the closet

Behind that old sneaker smell, folded on forgotten sweaters.

The only thing worse than Jealousy is Longing.

It is the infant gnawing on raw nipples, savage, unapologetic.

It is as viral as hunger, as blinding as pain, that drive is too demanding!

I long for myself.

For a braver woman, a woman of no nonsense.

A woman who makes a woman's mistakes. Not a girl's but a woman's.

I COULD say a woman wouldn't have done the things I have done but that wouldn't be true.

She wouldn't have done the things I have done AGAIN or as often.

For women were girls once, even though I am no longer a girl.

I am the dusk and dawn of my era.

I am the rise and set of my age.

Sometimes I long for a man who tries to parallel me.

He is aggressive.

As succulent as the after pain of a neck bite.

All teeth. Gentle.

He is a MAN, muscular, feral, predatory.

Protective. Interested.

His lips are no longer a myth, they are a tradition.

This man knows what I mean when I say awesome.

And AWEsome.

He knows he is the difference and I am the tone.

Then I stop dreaming.

I stop longing.

I put on my pants, apply some eyeliner and get ready to go to work.

I go back to train fares and stations, dirty break rooms, dreading my sister's return.

I go back to blocking out the white bred radio, humming unfinished songs, watching time tick.

I try to forget that this space, this time, my "home" is a library.

I try to forget that I am borrowing here.

That there is a fine and I already pay a lot of prices.

But most importantly I try to forget the longing.

That jealousy is its sister.

I try to forget that I long for HE who is shelter and passion.

And I try to remember to be all TEETH.

You Miss Me.

2011-01-23T19:21:00.000-08:00

I haven't been blogging.

I have so much to say.

A gagillion ten to ones

About 5 poems

Songs songs songs...

They're coming soon.

I have to find the words! Jeesh!

I'll be back when I've found them.

Sometimes it's just easier to be.

So that's what I'm doing. What you should be doing.

BEING.

See you soon!

Forgetful Things

2011-01-06T09:17:00.000-08:00

I had a nice twitter rant. Inspired by my friend Tanya.

Oh! Follow me? Only if you're gonna speak!

@IceAndAshes

Anywho. These are things I shouldn't forget.

Dear Morning,
Make me forget the chase.
Remind me that these knees are too weary from praying
And track ain't my strong point.

Dear Sun, you were there with me...
Skin often lies but your light doesn't.

When you're waiting for his call
Remember his arms.
How they squeezed the breath into you.
You're still breathing. That's important.

When you feel those eyes watching you...
Turn your back on them.
Maybes always win staring contests.
We too grown for maybes.

When the guilt grapples your tongue
Remember the fire. How unreliable it is.
The only thing promised is ice in the artic
And ashes for dinner.

Shit, even ice melts.
Burn the memories. Then blow them away.
This ain't a funeral.
Mourn nothing.

When you're waiting for his smile
Remember the clutter.
You'll get lost there
With no one to "save" you but the rats.
Leave.

If you're still waiting for the prick of his fingers
Tell your lower back to keep quiet.
It don't know ache like your heart do.
It can't heal...

Remember his mouth.
The skepticism.
You never really knew where his has been...
Did it make you forget where you were?

Get used to the quiet.
It's always been there.
Nothing loves you like silence does.

Ziggy.

2010-12-17T10:50:00.000-08:00

I will write a song for you.

For us.

But for you.

You need to settle into your skin comfortably.

Love like a river.

You need to be!

I'm here.

I promise you..

You Forgive Me.

2010-12-13T10:47:00.000-08:00

Internet eludes me at home.

I'm currently in my local library praying for instrumentals.

To write to of course.

Smooth instrumentals, r & b, neosoul, hip hop...

Something to groove to.

Ever been so inspired you get stuck

and have no clue what to do with yourself?

Causes of my stuckness:

Dom O Briggs

&

Humuni .

I haven't heard music projects that got me this hype since Lupe Fiasco's Enemy Of The State.

Anywho...I've been courting my pen lately.

I'm ready to really immerse myself in my writing.

I will be posting something soon.

Hopefully.

You know how the internet teases me.

*goes back to bumping music*

Love Ya!

9:44 A.M.

2010-11-18T06:35:00.000-08:00

This started out as an ode to crushing on impossible people.

But hey! I have enough things to say to make this a Ten to One.

So let's get cracking, shall we?

You should learn me.
Never had patience for women who hug their flailing woes
Blindly.
You got a heart like a forest fire.
There is no mirror here.
Stop looking for yourself.

I can respect loyalty.
It's scarce in this day and age.
But....
You have the smile of A students
With their gpas creasing at their corners.
In the end it doesn't matter.
In the end, you never learned.

There are several things we can withstand
I have a feeling THIS is not one of them.

I wade with you.
This is the best I can do.
I'm sorry.

I almost made a foolish mistake.
Stupid stupid stupid.
I almost let you see my notebook.
And all the cells that make it
All the skin that carries it
Stupid stupid stupid.
I won't be making that mistake again.

I miss us.
And our outings.
You da best homie.
See you this break.

We share
Every fiber
Every Cell
Every Gut Twist
On this body.
And yet my heart
Still overbearingly belongs to you.
Give it back.

I don't know why
I keep assuming you want to know me.
You just say things because that's what your tongue
Is used to.
That's all your taste buds know.
Flatlines
And lines that fall flat.

I've learned
That when you find the scrunchiest of faces
Endearing
That you should run for the hills.
And boy am I running.

Promises are so easy to break.
Remember that.

In Honor Of...

2010-11-12T13:08:00.000-08:00

To Write Love On Her Arms Day.

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement
dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

If you want to participate, all you have to do is write LOVE on your arm.

I Need A Break.

2010-11-11T10:10:00.000-08:00

No one understands how tired I am.

Nothing cuts it anymore.

I feel like I need a clean slate.

A fresh piece of paper.

A new notebook of a life.

I don't have to erase the lessons from my last one.

I just want to move on, be new, with this one.

I'm thinking of either taking a break from all social networks

Or

Creating a new facebook or twitter, etc...

Where I can be a little less uncensored.

Where I can be a little more free.

Where nothing can haunt me.

Where I won't run into anything I don't want to remember or see.

The break sounds good for now.

Because everything is too much.

Everyone annoys me.

Everyone disappoints me.

And it's all in my face!!!!

ARGH!

A bullshit filter would be lovely.

As well as a No Exes Allowed

No Family Allowed

Only Inspiring, Real People

Filter.

I just want to express myself without having to second guess it.

When's the last time you posted something

A Facebook Status, Blog Post, A Tweet

Without thinking about who is going to see it?

Take This To Heart.

2010-11-01T14:07:00.000-07:00

Nobody comes back

The same as when they left.

The doorway is no longer a portal

To safety but the yawning gap

Between us.

We lost the keys,

Love, and broke off the knobs

A long, long time ago.

- “Our Feet on the Word Welcome” By Karen Ann Capco

Oh How I Miss Them...

2010-11-01T13:22:00.000-07:00

COME BACK PLEASE!!!

Yes.

2010-11-01T12:22:00.000-07:00

Here's some advice via my Swedish CupCake Jen.

"When saying goodbye is too much...

Just say I Love You.

And if they love you back,

Then of course they will understand."

So true.

Sometimes you just can't be afraid to be happy.

You can't be afraid that you won't make it through the free fall...

Sometimes we have to be more than a little brave.

Bare.

2010-11-01T11:06:00.000-07:00

A lovely Ten to One because the weather is getting cold again.

Don't know what a 10-1 is?

Click HERE

Go.

Somehow you have vanished
Into thin wood.
I fear that if I knock
I might break us.

Some judge growth by Fashion.
As if I could hold all of my life lessons
In such dusty fabric.
You make me afraid to bare all
There is so much harm to be done
To the thickest of skin.
You probably don't wonder anyway...
But if you did
I'd tell you my boots from last year are ruined.
I bought another pair of the same kind.
What does that tell you?

There are many apologies
For what should of beens
Many apologies for what I know now
And what I didn't know then
But apologies
Are only pathways to be built
Or torn down.
London Bridge.

You can dress me up in diamonds.
You can dress me up in dirt.
We are never really sure of who is underneath
Are we?

I give you the last song
And the last lines
You creaking faucet, you
I spit rust flavored nightmares
You just can't recognize that color can you?

Oh how the mighty will fall...

I wonder if you ever knew me
Half as well as you thought you did.
I wonder how your footprints feel
I have a feeling I'm about to find out.

Clocks can show you who you really are
And as Tzitzi Farmer said
"Time is the biggest snitch--
No lie!
It always tells."

I'm sorry
I cannot be one of those women
Staring at stained glass
Praying for the dream to come alive again.
These windows will strip the queen from you
Reduce you only to a prayer in waiting
Body glued to the bathroom floor
Bare kneed and buckled.

When will you be tired
Of snapping the love welts
Inside of your stomach?
Tell me...
So I can know you feel madness also
That I'm not a lost child
Tell me...
Please.

Bare All Cold Weather

2010-11-01T10:54:00.000-07:00

Let's get personal and recap for a second.

Around this time last year I was:

1. Kicked out of my home and living with my godmother

2. Hurt and confused that the guy I was talking to kept giving me mixed signals

3. I was still finding myself

4. Heavily depressed and repressing it.

Boy if I knew then what I know now....

I digress.

December and January were my worst months.

Also, they were the first months in which I ever got drunk.

And thus, this freewrite:

Alcohol always tastes like

Women with no strength for teaching

The ones who lost their love in the laundry

Women who stitch their fears to bar glasses

Like mothers

Who never told me to button my jumpy bones

Silently.

II.

Drunk

Is not a good friend of mine

We are about as close as

The quiet grazing an ex lover's mouth

And the thunder lapping tongue between his & mine.

My tonsils don't hold sun storms well.

III.

Sweaty hands can unhook

Even the most strategically placed underwire

I own secrets in that metal

Can you handle the breaths beneath the bra?

IV.

I start to remember

I cannot afford the morning.

Cotton swished aftermath

A sunrise too wooden to make peace with.

I lose the pieces.

I know that this is a new year, and the past is past and all...

But I just can't forget where I came from.

Where I was. It keeps chasing me.

Something about it just won't let me be...

So Sad.

2010-10-04T17:01:00.001-07:00

This Is Cheyenne.

October 3rd, around 1 a.m. she became the victim of a stray bullet. She was shot in the back.

She was pronounced dead at Harlem Hospital.

She was only 17.

It is so heartbreaking, not only to her mother, not only to her family and friends, but just the story itself.

I didn't know her personally but I've seen her around. She lived around my neighborhood. My cousins were closest to her.

She is described as a sweet girl, always looking for laughter. It is such a tragic loss.

How many more have to fall victim to senseless shooting, to senseless violence, before something is actually done about it?

Enough is enough.

No one should have to pass on before they reach their prime.

R.I.P. Cheyenne.

Here's the article.

I Like This.

2010-10-03T15:50:00.000-07:00

http://soundcloud.com/suavegemstar/tray-q-whos-a-monster

I don't like a lot of covers.

But I'm feeling this one.

Enjoy!

Tonight.

2010-09-21T20:16:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am angry.

Tonight....

I am frustrated.

I am sick.

I am not in the mood for bullshit.

The world should look out tonight.

Tonight...

I'm on a rampage.

Full Circle.

2010-09-19T21:43:00.000-07:00

I remember the Fall with you.

Walks splintered into my stopwatch of a schedule.

Stanzas squeezed into the streaming of my pulse.

You held my hand once.

You remember?

I remember laying in the park with you.

Hesitation fed by petty grass stains.

This was before I wanted to untie the soul

You secretly twisted in your tongue.

It was simple then.

When I was still too afraid to be hopeful.

When I molded you out of

The freshest dirt in my day dream.

Before I got hit with a heart

Full of quaking bricks.

I remember your breath before the sunset.

The way a smile used to taste on you.

The way the sun winked at the hardened glass

In your eyes.

Back when I liked your eyes best.

When I didn't mind them being quiet

And safe.

I remember my frostbitten breathing.

Watching windows

And accepting the fog to them.

I remember the tears in the train station.

I remember your phone number.

I remember all the sweet words flexed away from me

The alcohol swished in your system

The truth you spilled because of it.

It's September again.

I remember the poisoned peace you never owed me.

The lead I still carry in my rib cage.

The way it weighs me down when I flit forward.

I remember silly poems.

And late night phone conversations.

I remember how you bit too hard

How I never had the guts to tell you.

And I keep wondering

If it was really that easy for you to forget.

Nothing Fancy...

2010-09-16T20:47:00.000-07:00

But I'm gonna need you to stay around...

Please.

It's Been A While...

2010-09-01T19:02:00.000-07:00

10-1
(ten to one)

Ten things you wish you could say to ten different people.

Or in my case...

10 different things that will eventually, in their own time...

Find a way to be said.

GO!

I wish I could shield you
from all the hurt and the stress mama.
Purple looks lovely on you.
Bruises don't.
Good thing I have several band aids handy.

I just want to make you proud of me.
And me proud of me.
It's not so simple is it?

You are a daily reminder
That there is good in the world.
I hope you get all you deserve.
And soon.

Still trying to double edge me I see
I was built for people like you.
I wonder what you're going to do
When there's nothing around
To sharpen that bitter blade of yours?

I must admit
That some nights
I remember the intimacy.
If I could've done things differently
And still be able to keep my lessons
I would.
It doesn't work like that.
I'm adding a layer of dust to your photograph.

I'm sorry I don't call more often.
I'm not used to doing that,
You should know, you taught me.
Wait.
You have a telephone also!
There goes my guilt.

I really
Really really
Really really really
Want to release this in poem form.
I'll wait for you to do it first.
My responses are usually stronger than the original.
Holla at me.

Good luck!
I believe in you.
No pressure.
Or rather don't pressure yourself.
We have enough things to bitch about as it is.

Beginnings are always beautiful.
But I'm looking for consistency.
Are you good with that?

I got used to the treadmill love
Where no matter how fast you run,
You're stuck at the starting point,
Only exhausted.
You know what happens when a woman gets tired?

Part 2 Of How I'm Feeling Right Now

2010-09-01T16:55:00.000-07:00

Cute right?

Part 1 Of How I'm Feeling Right Now

2010-09-01T16:51:00.000-07:00

"Don't let go too soon. But don't hang on too long."

-Mitch Albom

Don't hang on at all actually. See if someone catches you.

And with the disclaimer...

2010-08-23T18:47:00.000-07:00

To go along with the post below:

Disclaimer.

2010-08-23T10:23:00.000-07:00

The thing about the past is that it is so heavy...

Especially a distorted one.

I don't feel people need to know what went on between us...

But it seems like everyone has a different story to tell...

All I can say is if you knew me now...

You would know I've grown into my value.

That's why I cut all of the dead branches of my life

And pick the weeds.

Certain things just will never help me grow.

So do me a favor...

Leave the gossip where it lays,

Understand what you think you know is never what the facts are,

And float away.

I have enough to deal with as it is.

Love me where I stand or suck it.

Baby Steps.

2010-08-20T06:45:00.000-07:00

*Baby steps back into my focus.

I've been so unfocused lately.

I need to start writing like I'm running again.*

There's just something about the way

Doubt sits in your spit

And the spit sits in your lie

The way the lie hits your breath

When you realize you loved me past Wednesday.

I cradle myself

Into routine baptism

Dunking away the denial

Rippling in the scream I've thrown you

You catch it like a cramp

In the crooked noose of your neck.

You disappear before I see you.

I know you were there.

Don't tell me this space never felt your presence

Cock eyed smile

Alley slanted grin

I know

You were standing next to me.

You leave me undefended.

I jerk around battles bigger

Than any nightmare. Closer

Than jolting backwards into arms

That could never jerk me forward in time.

I open my eyes

I take a deep breath

And thank the lucky stars for the solidness of bed sides.

Huge Sigh.

2010-07-29T17:37:00.000-07:00

I buy a wonderful blackberry curve for half its price.

Bought it off a friend.

Everything was going great.

And someone spills juice on it and it won't turn on.

I am back at home.

I have a roommate now. One of my best friend's since high school.

She doesn't have a key yet.

I wanted to go out tonight.

Can't contact her because of my phone.

I get locked in because I can't lock her out.

Oh and by the way...

I'm broke. No insurance on that phone.

No way to buy a new one.

And the day started off so perfect.

I woke up to a beautiful morning call.

Counted my blessings, made it to all my appointments on time.

I smiled.

And now this happens.

Huge Sigh.

I'm gonna go sit and sulk. Because that's the only way I'm passing
time tonight apparently.

*pout face*

Because I said I would.

2010-07-25T14:47:00.000-07:00

John Mayer-Slow Dancing In A Burning Room Cover

Yeah I'm obsessed with the song.

I'm Human.

2010-07-13T14:55:00.000-07:00

I'm slacking on this 30 day challenge thing.

What's worse is that I have enough time to get caught up...

But I'm just not feeling it.

Let me clear my head loves,

Maybe I'll get back on track.

No promises though.

Afterall...

;] I'm human.

Evolve.

2010-07-11T10:42:00.000-07:00

"We cross our bridges when we come to them

And burn them behind us,

With nothing to show for our progress except

A memory of the smell of smoke,

And a presumption that once our eyes watered."

-Tom Stoppard

It's 2010.

2010-07-09T12:31:00.000-07:00

Things you need to do:

Google Oscar Grant

Then youtube the video of his shooting.

Or just watch it here.

It's 2010, not 1965.

Amadou Diallo.

Sean Bell.

Now Oscar Grant.

THIS is the definition of justice?

A blatant and merciless killing and he gets off with involuntary manslaughter?

Obama, get on your job.

Everyone else needs to wake up.

Take a look around you.

It's Time...

2010-07-07T16:22:00.000-07:00

...For a 10-1

(Ten to One)

And what is a 10-1 you might ask?

Click HERE for more details.

Go!

I knew that you would eventually find a girl
Who would be willing to be with you.
Who didn't leave subtle pauses
Between her palms and yours.
I'm happy for your gain.
But lately I've been feeling my loss.
Guess what they say is true.
About Karma that is.
The man I love pauses too.

When you finally do come back to my life
I won't be the same.
And you'll be okay with that
Because we are friends
True friends
And I'm glad.

Here is to new beginnings
Fluttering wings
Late night conversations
And growth in our flight
I love you chica.

I'm not sure where you fit in my life anymore
But I'm willing to let you go
Stop clinging
There are no strands
For you to hold onto.
Go live.

I make my own decisions.
I do what I please.
Because it is the best course for me.
You won't stop me.

You have never called me beautiful
It irks me.
But I've always known better.
Deep down
That's where I'm going to leave you.
This
Is as far as we go.

You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
And I'm out.

I cannot wait to meet you again.
Mothers are like fine wine sometimes
They get better with age.
Let's toast to us.

I left you with the ashes too.
You keep trying to rebirth yourself.
Its okay friend,
I just might let you.

You are wonderful darling
But I shine a bit more brightly
It's either me or her.
I'm giving you the green light.
Tired of crying
Tired of waiting
And I already know your answer
I'm just ready for you to tell me to
Go.
I love you more than you know.
But you don't know that
Now
I love me more.
Clock's ticking.

Day 11: Your Siblings

2010-07-07T15:59:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have blood

Others I have branches. Bark

Runs in families.

Something that made my night...

2010-07-06T19:11:00.000-07:00

A girl's facebook info box read:

"Hi I'm Shanae.

And I'm comfortable in my skin.

Are you?"

Well now...

Are you?

Day 10: What You Wore Today

2010-07-06T13:03:00.000-07:00

Today, I was brave

In my skin. My curves conquered

This weather's hot breath.

And right now...

2010-07-05T08:45:00.000-07:00

"I got used to the treadmill love

Where no matter how fast you run,

You're stuck at the starting point,

Only exhausted. "

(sara bareilles)

I've got to admit love.

I'm tired.

So tired.

I love myself more than this.

Maybe it's time I go.

Day 9: My Beliefs

2010-07-04T09:56:00.000-07:00

As Staceyann Chin

Smartly wrote: "Tomorrow is

A Tricky Promise."

Day 8: A Moment...

2010-07-03T21:08:00.000-07:00

Things my heart used to

Know. Across my memory.

Nostalgic Disney.

Day 7: Your Best Friend

2010-07-03T15:48:00.000-07:00

We are not afraid

To fall. Together we will

Always fly harder.

Day 6: My Day

2010-07-03T15:21:00.000-07:00

I never lusted

At Summer's heat. I always

Hoped that it would fade.

To Answer ChyeahBella's Question...

2010-07-03T15:20:00.001-07:00

In case you didn't see my comment

I get my horoscopes from www.nydailynews.com

And when they forget to update that

I go to www.nypost.com

^_^

My Horoscope

2010-07-03T11:38:00.000-07:00

If things aren't right in the love department,
don't be shy about saying something.
If you need to change the status quo in one area,
speak up. It is never too late to change how you do things.
Work together so that everyone wins; it's the best way to move forward.

Now. Dear Horoscope.... I love how you tell me WHAT to do without instructions on HOW to do it. -_____- Love, A doomed Taurus.

Day 5: Your Definition Of Love

2010-07-02T15:30:00.000-07:00

My definition

Of lasting Love is Silence

Before Rash Speaking.

Day 4: What You Ate Today

2010-07-02T15:27:00.001-07:00

Cheese is my Goddess.

I worship her through my fork.

My stomach, her Temple.

Day 3: Your Parents

2010-07-02T15:21:00.000-07:00

Mothers give life to

Legends. I hold my story

Within her lifelines.

Day 2: Your First Love

2010-07-02T14:53:00.000-07:00

We loved like infants

Scrapes, bruises...My Heart is Wise

Woman now. Thank You.

Day 1: Introduce Yourself

2010-07-02T14:41:00.000-07:00

I am only as

Bright as the Light beneath your

Swept Eyelids. Now Blink.

30 Day Challenge

2010-07-02T14:31:00.000-07:00

So there's this 30 challenge going on:

Day 01 – Introduce yourself
Day 02 – Your first love 
Day 03 – Your parents 
Day 04 – What you ate today  
Day 05 – Your definition of love 
Day 06 – Your day
Day 07 – Your best friend 
Day 08 – A moment 
Day 09 – Your beliefs
Day 10 – What you wore today  

Day 11 – Your siblings 
Day 12 – What’s in your bag 
Day 13 – This week
Day 14 – What you wore today
Day 15 – Your dreams
Day 16 – Your first kiss
Day 17 – Your favorite memory 
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday
Day 19 – Something you regret 
Day 20 – This month 

Day 21 – Another moment 
Day 22 – Something that upsets you
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better 
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry
Day 25 – A first
Day 26 – Your fears
Day 27 – Your favorite place 
Day 28 – Something that you miss 
Day 29 – Your aspirations 
Day 30 – One last moment

I'm doing the full length version on my tumblr

(www.makinglovetodreams.tumblr.com)

But for my lovely blogspot,

I will do the 30 days in Haiku.

Expect Irregular Updates.

I mean you love me, right? That shouldnt be a problem.

Now the question is...

WHO IS DOING IT WITH ME?!

I Want This Necklace.

2010-06-30T22:56:00.000-07:00

And a free trip to disney world please!

To The One I Call Chief Chasing Wind...

2010-06-30T08:31:00.000-07:00

The problem with chasing wind is that you run blindly.

You will run out of breath trying.

And all us girls ever wanna do is make things solid.

Haiku 16

2010-06-30T00:41:00.000-07:00

You said you fell while

Holding Diamonds in your hand.

Find me in the rough.

Oh My Sweet Baby Jesus....

2010-06-29T15:07:00.000-07:00

Black Bird @ Urban Juke Joint

Click this. He is beautiful. You won't regret it.

Here We Go.

2010-06-28T11:20:00.000-07:00

Ten to One time.

*insert round of applause*

Yayyy!

-____-

It's beginning to be very hard to stay bitter.
Maybe I've outgrown the negative.
Maybe it's just time to move on.
Yeah.
I can move on.
But he won't.

Your eyes are
The most intriguing
Confusing
Devious things I have ever gazed into.
You leave me feeling uneasy.
What are you really saying
When you look at me?
I don't think it's anything good.

I'm getting past the need for your approval.

I love you.
You annoy the living shit out of me.
I love you.
When you are in my house, do things my way.
You annoy the living shit out of me.
I love you.

I'm attracted to you.
Your body is amazing.
You are a girl.
Not a woman.
A girl.
There's something wrong here.

You align stars,
I try to decode constellations.
There has to be a stronger word to describe you
Stronger than beautiful.
And what's a stronger word
For the imposing fear I feel?
Are we just circles?

I ignored your call last night.
Last minute.
I had to make a choice.
I chose to text you instead.
No response.

I went to your graduation because I love you
I love our friendship
Truth is
It killed me to see what I missed out on.

I have no idea why you are trying to inch yourself back into my life
For what purpose?
Aren't we different people now?
I can never be that girl you met that summer.
She's buried.
I'm newborn.
What do we have to talk about?

I'm breaking rules here.
Because this is a ten to one.
Ten different things
You wish you could say
To ten different people.
I'm featuring you here again.
Do you believe in Never Say Nevers?

*Now it's showertime. And time to work on a freewrite I wrote before.
Haven't written a poem in a while.
Trying to branch off into different themes.
Trying to keep my identity stitched between line breaks
And word phrasing
And overused metaphors.
Maybe...
It's time I try something new?*

Haiku 15

2010-06-28T11:17:00.000-07:00

I will burn bridges

I will cut all my branches

I'm not your apple.

I Miss This..

2010-06-27T18:16:00.000-07:00

"‘Cause rather than deal with the fallacy of this dry ass reality

I rather dance and romance your sweet ass, in a wet dream

Who am I?

Well they all call me brother to the Night

And right now, I’m the blues in your left thigh

Trying’ to become the funk in your right

Is that alright? "

*I really want to see Love Jones now*

Late Night Inspiration

2010-06-25T23:34:00.001-07:00

He said "I love the way you think,"

and I've been hooked ever since.

Electricity never knew broken

light bulbs like this.

Neither does he.

*Jihan Mckenzie. Sentences for days.*

For All 2010 Graduates

2010-06-25T16:46:00.000-07:00

So I went to my friend Tzitzi’s graduation today. She spit a poem for the ceremony.

(Get ready for a soft ass moment here)

Of course it touched me (not inappropriately. she’s kinda amazing) because the message was so true. So I decided to share it with all of you graduates. Hopefully it inspires you to keep achieving and dreaming and all that good shit.

If you want to comment about the poem and you have me as a friend on facebook, you can check in my notes. Its the most recent one. Enjoy.

Little girl Art
Is a mixtape CD the radio would never put on rotation.
Too much truth lingers in her tongue
Over a hip hop beat tangled with a jazz sample.

She has the heart of a subway train performer somewhere in Union Square.
She’s not asking for much though,
Just tokens of appreciation in her Styrofoam cup of lyrics
Her mother tells her to keep her head up ….
As if she’s having staring contests with the clouds
Because the gravity of life is so quick to put you down.

Discouraged in her skin,
She puts her head facing the ground.
Asks herself what is the reason for following her voice if no one cares to listen
Why bother chasing dreams,
When the jungles in between seem only to break her self esteem
Life is a game with no teams.

She wants to be a successful musician - not a celebrity
She knows the paparazzi camera lenses
Are just the eyes of critics ready to mimic her strength,
They only want to snake her,
never build her, only break her,
Cause the cameras only take enough to make you fake.

Mommy says,
It’s not about what they can dance to,
It’s about what they can relate to.
Your music has the heart of a million dead legends
You can’t quit.
Too many people live nightmares never chasing their dreams -
And I swear you have the will to find a way.
Dreams are always closer than they appear like side-view mirrors.
Just look once in a while.

Talk like you own your destiny.
Walk like the inside of a gun barrel,
Never let them tell you that you don’t have enough fire in you.
Breathe off passion.
Live off your talent
Never let the cameras, and radio stations define you.
Never let a speed bump in the road get you off track jack,
You’ll be fine, you can get through the rough.
Life is tough.
But never enough a game one can’t win in.

Little girl Art
Stays true to self
Keeps her dreams quilted around the fiery cage of her walk.
She breathes a thousand tomorrow’s
Custom made for the voice of a thousand dead legends,
She is the mixtape
Gone in the wind for every dream a man,
Or woman has made a U-turn from
Needing the radio to remind them..
They are not alone.

She, too, once neglected her destiny
Only to find that living a life that wasn’t on her to-be list
Was the same as living a life that wasn’t her own
Mommy tells her,
In life, there are two streets.
The one that’s yours,
And the one you’ll learn not to take again.

Choose your path,
Be the soldier on the lines of the etch-a-sketched life you create,
Right, left, right, left
Be right in all you do even if it’s considered left field,
Never let your dreams be left unreal
Just..
Do what makes you happy.

Clouds
Just make the sky seem further,
But never let it candy coat your eyes in
Believing things are impossible.

Little girl Art
Is the Mixtape CD somewhere inside your heart right now..
And she wants to let you know,
That dreaming big…
Is the same…
As dreaming possible.

Random Thoughts On a Friday

2010-06-25T15:24:00.001-07:00

No one should ever be afraid to say "I love you".

But here I am.

Spit mangling mono-syllables

Tonsils cradling soundwaves

Because the waves of my tongue make it sound soo

Death chamber.

I would sing it to you

But I'm not familiar with electric chair harmonies.

Is this fear necessary?

*yeah that was mad random.*

Quote Of The Day

2010-06-23T20:56:00.000-07:00

"Oral sex

is proof

that God understands me & what life is about.

Saturday night

is the reason I go to Sunday service.

To give THANKS."
That's funny.

It's About That Time...

2010-06-22T23:33:00.000-07:00

My weekly 10 - 1.

Not weekly but it sounded nice.

I don't know what happened.
I don't care what happened.
I just want to hold onto this a bit longer.

We were on the same side of the coin
Somehow we flipped.
I don't know how that happened.

I'm sorry I'm not around as much.
I'm sorry I'm not the same girl you left that summer day.
Evolve with me. My hands are empty without you sis.

I need to see you soon.
I'll stop by your office.
Chica, I don't really know where my head is at nowadays
But I plan to keep you posted.
Muddle brained and all.

I think I have a better chance now.
Are you worried?

I hope you know I don't give a flying fuck about your feelings.
That's just how it is.
I'm an asshole about it
But...
I can't find it in me to care.
Oh well.

Sorry we haven't really spoken this past month.
I find it more relaxing and calm to retreat into my own mind
My own world
Than keep up with someone else's.
I'm a bad friend for this.
I'm working on it.

I hope you find the happiness you deserve.
I hope one day you'll stop being so childish.
I can't stand your bitterness.
Genuinely smile for once.

You are a drunk bastard.
So stuck in the bottom of your bottle...
Good luck with that.

At times I find myself wondering what you're doing.
Then I remember how much of a dusted grease ball you are
And change the mental channel.

*Kanye Shrug*

That felt good.

Fact:

2010-06-22T23:16:00.000-07:00

I fuck with people on the train.

I'll get off on my stop...

Turn to the people staring at me through the window...

And flip em off.

Good times.

Haiku 14

2010-06-17T21:34:00.000-07:00

I'm the one with Faith.

There are times it falters. Still

My fingers feel it.

The Reason I Haven't Seen You Yet...

2010-06-15T22:56:00.001-07:00

And the reason we haven't talked about it yet is...

"I'm not sure if I'm still respected,

And I'm not in a rush to feel rejected..."

Not by YOU.

Obsessed With This.

2010-06-15T21:41:00.000-07:00

"Lesson Learned"
(feat. John Mayer)

He broke my heart
And now it's raining
Just to rub it in
I'm at your door
I feel so crazy about it
You'll say I told you so
You saw it long ago
You knew he had to go
I finally came 'round
I'm back on solid ground
Can't let it get me down

It's alright
It's alright
It's alright

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Sometimes
Some lies
Can take a minute
To fully realize
His tears
Your eyes
Thirty seconds to apologize
You give it one more chance
Just like the time before
But he already know you'd give a hundred more
Until that night in bed
You wake up in a sweat
You're racing to the door
Can't take it anymore

I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Life perfect
Ain't perfect
If you don't know what the struggle's for
Falling down ain't falling down
If you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past cause I'm getting past
And I ain't nothing like I was before
You ought to see me now

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

I Felt Like Singing.

2010-06-13T20:55:00.000-07:00

Haiku 13

2010-06-11T07:00:00.000-07:00

What I wouldn't give

To be your favorite clothing

You treat it better.

Currently.

2010-06-10T09:31:00.000-07:00

10 to 1

I might as well.

Oh and shout out to my dear friend who is stalking this site.

Can you tell if you are featured in this one?

I find myself resenting you.
It's not right.
You've done nothing wrong
(but hurt me)
And I should take responsibility for my actions.
But really,
Sometimes I resent you.

Don't act like you don't know me.
It's still me, I never changed.
I'll be here when you come back.

I've been meaning to call you for some time now.
I'm not afraid. Maybe a bit lazy.
But really, what do we have to talk about?

There may be hope for us yet.

I deleted you out of my life again.
I thought I would be able to establish some sort of friendship with you.
But after all of this...
After everything that went down...
And after all of the undeserved disrespect you've been throwing on my name...
I could care less about you.
I'm angry over the situation.
There's nothing I can do about that.
But you will not be in my future.
I hope you find what you're looking for.
And by the grace of God, have the best.
But if we ever cross paths again
There will be no smiles
There will be nothing friendly
I cast stones on the day that I introduced myself.

What ever happened to benefit of the doubt?
I am a decent person.
Must be a guy thing.
Or an idiot thing.
I think you are brilliant.
But sadly misguided.
It will be a while before I forgive you for this.

You are probably jumping for joy right now.
I would be too.
But the difference between you and I is that
I know better.

Just like my eyes tell a story,
So do yours.
I wonder about what I'm really reading.

You were like the big sister I wanted.
I don't call you because
I'm ashamed of what you might see.

You will be gone before I know it,
But I know you can do this.
I know that you will succeed.
I can't wait to celebrate.

Temptation.

2010-06-10T08:29:00.000-07:00

Everyone has an issue with temptation.

And it appears to me in the most attractive of forms.

I remember this each time it comes to me:

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.
And God is faithful;
he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.
But when you are tempted,
he will also provide a way out
so that you can stand up under it. - 1 Corinthians 10:13

And I'm stronger than you think.

Inspiration of the day

2010-06-10T08:14:00.000-07:00

via Twitter:

"Have faith that your life is happening exactly the way its intended to.

Your miracles will come as soon as they're perfected for you."

My friend Lauren sent this to me because she loves me.

Follow her @bunnieface

And me @sun_painting.

Take that quote to heart.

Real Rap.

2010-06-10T07:52:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling really down lately.

I've been taking a second look at everything I have done in my past

I've been re-evaluating who is going to make it my future.

It's been a tough week so far.

Anywho

Yesterday I was sharing personal secrets with a new friend

I opened up about what I think ruins all of my relationships

And how my guy's ego is so heavy that it's keeping me down.

So of course she fell asleep on me -_-

(like always)

But I woke up this morning to this text message:

"I think that you're beautiful, and that faults are inevitable.
If he's not prepared to help you grow then...
Deuces."

I'm posting this on my blog so I always remember.

Anyone can always be quick to judge

Quick to down you

Quick to leave.

The ones who stick with you during the most painful time

During your most shameful time

Are the ones worth keeping.

As for him and his ego...

I hope he sees that this feeling will pass. I'm still the same person.

With a few mistakes on my belt

And a few whelps from the lessons beaten into me.

If he loves me, he'll grow with me.

I hope he will.

July 7th Second Freewrite

2010-06-07T22:21:00.000-07:00

Today

I loved like graves and gravel

Heartbeats

Their silhouette splattered across shit and soil

He went digging.

Made me a crude effigy

Of half-hearted eulogies

And blew farewells that went sailing

In Brooklyn's stale air.

Each beat

Was in tune

With the raspy silence of a funeral.

He went digging.

Past the broken shards of my window opened ribcage

He unlocked the fingertips that glued my secrets together

He tore at the weak adhesive of my words

While I broke bread with the dusted bones

Of the woman I was before him.

Digging.

He buried me below sea level

I could feel his disgust behind

The chipped white of my chattering teeth

He couldn't feel the remorse beneath

The quivering wrinkles of my lifelines.

A funeral.

A watery grave

I felt his silence

Swimming in my eyelids

His absence

Gripping onto my lashes

Like erased love letters

Like a thief's forgotten tear drops

Like messages chopped, bodied and bottled

In apathetic seas.

The ocean doesn't care who it enters

It entered my lungs

Tickled the bubbles of my breath

I was choking on apologies.

Your lips are life jackets

Jerking away from me

In another world

3 Feet above the surface

Away from me. No wonder

I stopped struggling.

No wonder I stopped swimming.

I'm sorrys

Just don't float

As easy

As they used to.

(feels like its missing something. thoughts?)

Haiku 12

2010-06-07T17:53:00.000-07:00

Pride will be the death

Of us. Love me like your skin.

Please just stop scratching.

Lately...

2010-06-03T20:08:00.000-07:00

10 to 1.

Because it is needed.

Homie,
You need more faith in yourself.
I can't carry you on the bridge of my wings
When doubt is heavy on your back.
Fly like you were meant to.

I saw you today and I was jealous.
Yes I admit it.
I was jealous.

I really want to borrow money from you.
But I don't want to pay it back.
And I'm not a fan of asking.

I have the biggest budding crush on you

Its unhealthy
Makes me feel annoying
And will not end well.
A girl can hope though, right?

I don't know how to be
Who I am now
Around you.
You reduce me to a girl of 16
Not a woman of shaking knees
With 19 years upon the crown of her head.
I don't want to talk to you.

I don't know how to stay mad at you.
I don't want to stay mad at you.
I don't want to be treated this way.
I won't.

I wish you were still alive
To tell me the stories of my heritage.
I'm sure they were beautiful.
Rain dance beautiful.

When are you going to want me like you should?
Any day now?
Ever?
I should quit now.
It's not like if I left
You would notice.

I've never been able to walk backwards
Maybe that's why I always feel your arms
From behind.
I left you in my past years.
What makes you think
You are bold enough
To stay in my new year?

I've already done this.
I don't need to learn this lesson twice.
Yeah you're a totally different guy
But the message is the same.
The actions are the same.
That's why I don't call you.

*Venting over*

Haiku 11

2010-06-03T19:40:00.000-07:00

I wear my heart like

I leave my fingerprints. There

Will be no hiding.

Haiku 10

2010-06-03T19:36:00.000-07:00

There is a gaping hole

In the place of you're heart. You've

Rotted around it.

Haiku 9

2010-06-02T13:06:00.000-07:00

Questions of science

Science and progress, don't speak

As loud as my heart.

It's None Of Your Business.

2010-06-02T12:44:00.000-07:00

I really despise people who talk to you like they know everything.

A young man came up to me the other day saying he knew this and that.

He was basically saying that he could read me and that he knew all there was to know about me and my friend's relationship.

Of course he was talking out of ignorance.

And that's fine if you THINK you know something.

Go ahead.

By why step to me with the bullshit,

Aggravate me,

And make an ass out of yourself?

All of this was completely unnecessary.

So I wrote a little something for him...

Boy
You have never been beautiful
Your smile is ugly
Heavy from the arrogance its been lifting
The screech of your voice is skating towards me
Saliva thick with the ignorance you spit.

You are just a boy.
With scrawny limbs
And not enough weight on your tongue
To dishevel the truth of my stature

The next time your lips utter the foul breath of falsehoods
And your cheeks feel an obligation to blow them my way
I will sidestep them as always
Hand you a mint
And pray you survive this stage of puberty
Boy.

[HAIKU FOR DAT ASS!]

Step to me like a

Man. Stop hiding behind a

Boy's baggy trousers.

ASS.

Haiku 8

2010-06-01T12:15:00.000-07:00

My thoughts whisper that

Ears strain for storms who never

Thunder. So I wait.

Haiku 7

2010-06-01T12:06:00.000-07:00

I Love Like I Know

Better. I Knew You Before

Your Introduction.

Warning.

2010-05-31T11:54:00.000-07:00

Lately, I feel I've been settling for way less than I deserve.

In various aspects, in various friendships and relationships.

Is being on equal footing with someone too much to ask?

I've stated before how I feel about chasing things.

You can find that HERE.

You don't have long to get it together.

I'm done with trying to reach out to you.

Why play tag if you're not going to tag back?

I'm not a child any longer.

You come to me.

Between you and me...

2010-05-31T08:57:00.000-07:00

I am really proud of myself.

I wrote a poem yesterday.

The second hardest poem I think I've ever written.

I can really get in the groove when I write about people.

And I believe I have really come a long way.

With so much farther to go...

But why can't I write about him?

Now...

To the man who isn't home to me...

Why is it that I don't feel enough camp fire in my ribs

To cough up the same sort of flames from my fingertips?

When it comes to writing about you...

What am I missing?

They Say I'm Hopeless...

2010-05-30T06:53:00.000-07:00

Like a penny with a hole in it.

They say I'm no less

Than up to my head in it.

Haiku 6

2010-05-27T14:20:00.001-07:00

White walls of fears. We

Don't exist outside bedrooms.

Love me in locked doors.

Haiku 5

2010-05-27T07:57:00.000-07:00

You used to blind me. Somehow your light dimmed. You were Brighter before this.

Haiku 4

2010-05-27T07:48:00.000-07:00

I only learned self control because some things I just don't want to know.

The Question of the Day is....

2010-05-25T07:19:00.000-07:00

"How you gonna sweep her off her feet and not catch her?"-Seneya Nixon

Exactly!

How are you gonna pick me up and spin me around, have my heart up in the clouds...

Floating on cloud 9...

And when I look down...

You are halfway down the block with Tammy?

Thank God for parachutes.

Haiku 3

2010-05-23T12:02:00.000-07:00

He calls me beautiful. I am not beautiful. I'm only willing.

Growth.

2010-05-23T09:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I took the time to read every blog I've ever written on this site.

And while I must say it took some time

It was beyond entertaining.

It helped me remember what I like most about me

You see, even though I change and grow

And morph and form into something new

As my writing gets better and transforms into something

Other...

The heart that I put into it is the same.

I've grown.

And this is one time where I can look back and not be ashamed.

I am so proud of this blog.

I don't think I could ever leave it.

But I'm keeping my tumblr.

My new posts will be filled with the old and the new me

But I also want to embark on a new journey.

And since I don't like cake...

And you can't have your cake and eat it too....

I'm gonna make a whole bunch of cookies and call it a day.

Got a problem?

Saturdays.

2010-05-23T08:54:00.000-07:00

There is nothing worse than hand me down Saturdays

No answer, call you back

Flipped to the back burner Saturdays.

The Saturdays where the only sound you hear

Is the creaking of empty cupboards

And the only things that keep you company

Is the turmoil from a past life.

I was alone yesterday.

In my apartment.

Patting backs with empty space

And saying hello to memories.

Memories of women who

Rip the hinges off of diaries

And assault the words it took so much courage to write

I watched as the pages swallowed their tears

And as the diary opened its arms up to me

And said "Love me in pieces"

But it was better whole.

I was alone yesterday.

And the only thing to keep me company

Was a razor sharp woman

Freely falling with her edges

A woman with a vendetta

To make my skin feel steel.

She is a woman who never loses

Has everything to lose

The kind who creates a force field

Made of knives.

To get to the center

You have to get scissored.

I was alone yesterday.

I was cleaning

For company who never came

And people who never cared to stay

Longer than it takes to wreck the peace here.

I reacquainted myself with

Dirty tile floors.

We look more similar everyday.

I was alone yesterday.

With nothing but a view

I didn't care to look at

Of a city that doesn't know how to love me back

And the only thing I looked forward to was a drive by

Of Hi's. Hellos. How Are Yous. Goodbyes.

I sat in the empty space

And wondered what would it take for this place to feel

Like Home again.

Fun again.

At least a little less lonely.

I was alone yesterday.

While you were in my city

Close enough to touch me

Close enough to call me

But why would you?

When it comes to me

Your phone is on silent

There are no missed calls

And outgoing ones just give wrong impressions.

I think you were too busy fondling the other stars in your sky

Too busy to see I

And everything I am

Make up constellations for you to gaze upon

My being makes me Taurus

Which is really Zeus in disguise

And it seems you only focus

When the lightning strikes.

There is nothing worse than hand me down Saturdays.

No answer, call you back

Flipped to the back burner Saturdays.

The Saturdays where the only sound you hear

Is the sweeping of dusty tiles

And the only things that keep you company

Are the turmoil from this life

The disappointments they bring

And Ramen to fill the stomach.

*And that ladies and gentleman is called a freewrite. These will also appear more often, *

Haiku 2

2010-05-22T13:38:00.000-07:00

Heads, you win this round.

Tails, you give me head. Good thing

This coin has one side.

I Bet You Think This Post Is About You

2010-05-22T13:00:00.000-07:00

10-1
(Ten To One)

I have all your passwords.
And all your emails.
It's not that you're keeping anything from me
And people who go digging for dirt do find it
But I really wish you weren't doing what you're doing.
It hurts.

I kinda agreed with her.
I wish you spoke a bit clearer.
But who am I to tell you what your fingerprints look like?

I see the feeling isn't as mutual as it could be.

Who is it gonna be?
Me?
Her?
Or her?

I don't know how to make you
Nonexistent.
There's really nothing keeping me here
Besides a pair of underwear
And a distant dream.
I can wake up in many ways, I just hope its not on the wrong side of the bed.

I think it's a bit ironic
To see how badly you want me
Now.
Everything comes full circle
Doesn't it?

We don't exist outside of your bedroom.

Your sheets beckon me
Screaming come home to myself
Can't recall leaving.

I need common sense.
What a fool I am. Knocking
To doors that whisper.

She will win today.
She peeks at cards I never
Knew were dealt. Blackjack.

Things You Should Know/I'm Still Not Saying

2010-05-22T12:19:00.000-07:00

10-1
(Ten to One)
I bet you think this post is about you.

I left you long before the New Year started.
You irritate me.
You're like dull match whose spark blew out a long time ago.
Stay in my old life's ash tray.

I appreciate you.
Really I do.
And you seem cool.
But you annoy me.
And you're icky.
You mean well.
I'm an asshole.
But jeesh!

It's funny .
Because you said when a woman gets like this, she finds a way.
I found a way.
It wasn't how I expected.
You will never know about any of those old day dreams.

I get why you are the first in a long time.
I approve.
But more importantly...
Do you want a mentee?
Teach me a few things?
Be my big sister?

I find myself trying to recreate our friendship.
I think we have both grown in different ways.
In school, you have surpassed me.
But in Life...
Well...
I'm still waiting.

The hotter the weather gets
The more I think of you.
I am so angry that you have owned my last summer
And now all I can think of this summer
Is how it relates to last summer.
I really could have gone without knowing you.
No doubt I grew
But really
I could have gone without knowing you.

You didn't deserve what I did to you.
I jeopardized a promising friendship
For nothing more than teenage actions and hormones.
I'm sorry.
You hate me.
I deserve it.
I know.

I didn't ask for your favor.
And since when is OUR business, YOUR business?
Say what you will.
But I'm an asset in his life.
I belong there.
In ways you could never imagine.
Hopefully, one day you will witness
What he looks like
When he decides to evolve.
Fuck. You.

You are
All brilliant in your own setting.
I dig it.
Watching from the sidelines is cool .
All I know
Is that I can find my identity
From watching you.
You are everything I have yet to be.
Everything I'm not.

You can't be bothered with yesterday's foolishness.
Let it go I beg you.
Where is your hunger??

And I Wish I Could Tell You But...

2010-05-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

This is called a 10-1 (Ten To One)

Ten Different Things You Wish You Could Say To Ten Different People.

I will be doing this frequently.

It's getting closer to the day we first met.
I hope you still think about me.
Our park has a name you know.
Devoe Park.
Not that it matters anymore.

I think it's reaaaaaallly fucked up
That you aren't on my team.
Do I really deserve your disapproval?

I see your qualities. I admire you heavily.
Yet and still...
I still wonder what about you Hooked him like a fishing rod
What specifically baited him?
I'm guessing that your worm was a bit more impressive than mine.
I still wonder.

Because of her
I feel that we can never fully connect
On an artist's level.
I feel you have certain expectations.
You were looking for another peer (like her)
And I only amount to a protegee
One day I want to be on your level.

You still have eyes that cut like razors.
You think you could cut through me.
You could slice through my anatomy's blueprint
and STILL not know what the Hell you're reading.
There's no need for violence.
I hope you understand one day.

She doesn't deserve your anger.
I never knew that you could flip flop so easily.
How can you be mad at someone who shields me
From your misguided arrows?
Say what you will
But honestly,
This attitude of yours appalls and disgusts me.

I know I don't try hard enough.
There is no excuse.
I'm sorry.

I know exactly how you feel.
I would feel the same way
If I walked in your shoes.
I am sympathetic but I refuse
To let a good thing pass.
I think in the end we'll all be lonely.

I love you more than
My leaking voice box can squeak
I hope you don't know.
I wish that one day
You would see things as I do.
Try on my glasses.

You are worth so much more.

Haiku 1

2010-05-22T11:22:00.000-07:00

His words retract like

Sneaky rubberbands. Stay for

Just a while longer...

Another Grandma Story...

2010-05-22T11:08:00.000-07:00

So my grandmother's birthday is actually 3 days after mine.

I asked her if she was excited about her our birthdays.

She said:

Grammy: No...

Me: But why grandma???

Grammy: Because I have to see your ugly face another year!!

Me: ............that's not funny.

Grammy: (evil laughter)

Fin.

Home is...

2010-05-22T11:06:00.000-07:00

Home is...

Where the heart is.

Where the food is.

When someone thinks of you.

Only as comfortable as the people in it.

But for me...

Home is often....

Pretty things suspended in air...

I may have lied...

2010-05-22T10:32:00.001-07:00

Okay.

Don't hit me.

I'm back!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorta.

My tumblr will definitely be for certain things....

But venting unfortunately is not one of them

The vibe is ALL wrong,

and I kinda miss being included with Gwen (www.poetikily.blogspot.com)

and Ziggy (www.dekuumba.blogspot.com)

I've forgotten what having an internet diary feels like.

And that is unforgivable.

So I am back.

Now.... Updates:

No longer working at Old Slavery aka Old Navy but I do want another job.

Back home...long long story.

I love my godmother Kelly.

And I turned 19 on May 4th.

So those are the facts,

add me on oovoo or skype (sunpainting, sun_painting1)

And I'll be back with another post about my usual bullshit. It feels good.

P.S. I hate these demon children walking around just WAITING to be smacked.

P.P.S. Blogger STILL acts retarded with uploading pics. So I'm definitely keeping my tumblr. (insert irritation HERE)

I'm leaving you.

2010-04-02T18:24:00.003-07:00

Dear Blogger,

We had a lovely run. At first you were everything to me. An outlet for my creativity. A place to violate my exes lives. Somewhere to rant about my sisters. And everything was fine. Then things turned sour. You refused to let me post my pictures. You gave me an extra hard time when creating posts. All in all, blogging no longer felt therapeutic. It felt like a hazard. I dreaded making new posts. So I'm packing my bags and leaving you. I tried to post a picture of a woman packing her bags and you wouldn't even let me do that! You don't want me to stay! You don't care! You're just like the rest. Goodbye blogger.

Sorry Followers. I'm switching to tumblr.

Will you meet me there?

http://www.makinglovetodreams.tumblr.com

I promise you won't regret it.

I'll keep this blog up. Maybe even do a post or two for old time's sake. But for now tumblr is giving me the attention and ease I need in a writer's relationship. I hope you understand.

*salutes*
Peace.

Inspiration of the day

2010-03-30T10:43:00.000-07:00

"Who carved pure love

and foolishly placed him by this feeble fountain,

sure of himself thinking he could tame

such fire, wild as it is

with such little water."

By Tony.

I apologize...again

2010-03-29T22:33:00.000-07:00

There's this thing called wifi right...

And it eludes me, ducks me....

You would think I was asking it for child support money.

*shrugging*

I got that bitch tonight!

Hello loves. I missed writing. Very very much.

I've been wrapped up in all of my thoughts and emotions lately...

Not the best place to be if those emotions are negative and unbearable...

I'm gonna tell you what it's like for me to like a guy:

I like him. He likes someone else.

Or is still involved with an ex.

Or not over his ex.

Or feels weird because I dated a mutual friend and it went nowhere. (this doesn't happen often, this is current. the first time).

I'm in one of those Kiss Me Back moments.

I keep begging for this guy to feel the same way as I do (internal begging, I would never say it out loud).

I doubt he even sees.

Or he sees more than he lets on. He's that type of guy.

And all of this wild goose chasing reminds me of a similar relationship we should all be familiar with:

Kermit the Frog and Ms. Piggy.

Now why Ol' Kermit and Ms Piggy?

Because Ms. Piggy was constantly chasing that ungrateful scrawny frog.

She would do anything for him, go anywhere for him...

She was a real ride or die bitch to be blunt.

And how does he repay her?

Flirts with other women in front of her. Blows her off to be with his friends.

And in one of their movies, The Muppets Take Manhattan, he even gave her the biggest insult of all:

They were legally married and he called her a friend!

After all the grief she went through?!

Granted she wasn't the thinnest woman.

Or the GREENEST woman.

She had an over-the-top, giggly, karate-chop personality.

I'll call her vivacious.

And KERMIT was always complainin about something. He was a dull character to me.

I'm just saying we all have had a Kermit in our lives.

And I am not very fond of kissing these frogs to get to my prince.

Excuse me, my KING.

SO! I will write Kermit this letter:

Dear Kermit the Frog, YOU. ARE. AN ASSHOLE! Can't you see how hopelessly devoted Ms. Piggy was to you? Granted she wasn't AS THIN as you or GREEN but she would ride or die for you. She went hard for your heart. And you constantly played her. You deserve to die a slow, torturous, SOBER, rat infested death for the way you treat good women. Or pigs. YOU ASSHOLE! I hope someone in chinatown eats you, you green bastard.

I'm done ranting.

And I promise myself to never settle for a Kermit.

If you kiss me then mean it. And do it often.

BTW: I Don't Care About Your Band by Julie Klausner fueled this.

Blame her for my low tolerance.

Until next time...

P.S. I WOULD have pics up but blogger is disagreeing with me at the moment. So they will have to wait until another time. URGH THIS POST LOOKS SO EMPTY! It's like an itch I can't scratch...

-__-

Song of the month...

2010-02-17T16:46:00.000-08:00

Where do we go from here?

What do I do with these feelings?

The words above are lyrics to Eric Roberson's duet with Lalah Hathaway.

The song is called Dealing.

They both have extremely beautiful voices and the lyrics are relevant to my life currently so...

Enjoy.